The Romantic Versus the Reality

I have to admit, much of the appeal of the whole fetish and kink community was so far grounded in something other than reality that I have to wonder what I was really thinking.  The fantasy illusion was so far from what the truth could ever be.  I had some imagined ideal that simply wasn't anything like the reality of the community, but I suppose that's how things always work.  Even after I got involved in the community, I still felt like something was missing.  My reality somehow didn't match the fantasy, didn't meet my high standards.

In my little view, anyone who called themselves dominant would exude that kind of powerful presence.  Much like the image of Dracula, he or she would be seductive and smooth.  The helpless victim would be lured into the trap where wicked, wicked things happened.  I'd never really seen it in the light that so many others have.  There was no power struggle.  There was no bowing down, no training, none of that.  It was simply that the submissive couldn't help but submit.  It was almost involuntary.  It's like everything was supposed to just magically happen.

For whatever reason, that's why I never really pictured myself as a dominant type of person.  I just couldn't exude that kind of control.  If I wanted it, I couldn't just take it, as much as I may want to.  When I was dominant, I could be vicious.  I could be mean.  It wasn't about seduction.  It was about, well, something else entirely.  It was about hurting someone, terrifying them, putting them in their place.  As much as I wanted them to enjoy it, there's something about that illusion of fear, that illusion of danger.  I don't know, it just wasn't all I had imagined.  I somehow didn't fit into my own romantic view of it all very well.

A part of me wishes I could have that romanticized view as my reality.  I have to admit, it would be nice to go to a party and have someone gladly get me a drink, stay by my side while I sat outside getting some air, in general, be there for my needs.  It would be enjoyable to tell someone to do something and actually have them respond, without question.  A part of it just seems like some element of respect.  A part of it is that whole idea that if I were seductive and enticing enough, I should be able to have anything I want, and string my hapless victim along with me.

Unfortunately, I'm afraid that reality will never come to be.  I love my boyfriend dearly, but I don't see him being my little pet in that way.  He's far too independent and definitely not won over enough by my wiles.  He's just not the right kind of personality for it, I guess.  It's not what our relationship needs.  Who knows, maybe some day I'll find what I'm looking for, but I doubt it.  Until that day, should it ever come, I'll be living my life through dreams and fantasy...