He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

I've come to the conclusion that I hate being poly sometimes.  Actually, it's not so much that as hating the young kids I seem to get involved with.  I'm not talking about people who are way under age or anything.  Both of them are legal.  Actually, Chesh, who turns 24 this August is great.  He's very supportive of everything this lifestyle is bringing to us.  He's been wonderful.  Unfortunately, my newer partner, let's call him Wolf for sake of anonymity, because unless you know me personally, you don't need to know a real name that's easily to identify, is not so understanding.  He's actually driving me to wit's end.

Chesh has been coming to me since I started getting involved with Wolf with concerns.  In the past three months Chesh and I have had sex all of five times.  Now, Chesh is a very sexual person, so I'm sure you can imagine how he's handling that.  He doesn't have another partner at the moment and has already pretty much told me that if the sex stops, so does our relationship.  He's right, sex is a vital part of a relationship.  However, I can't kiss him, cuddle with him, anything in front of Wolf or he gets jealous and upset.  Wolf has already expressed I'm not allowed to have sex while he's in the house, and I've gone with it, though I'm kind of wondering who gives him the authority to make the rules, especially rules on my primary relationship.

I think that's another point where he's getting confused, Chesh is my primary.  He holds seniority, as it were.  I've been involved with Chesh for two and a half years.  I've only been with Wolf for three months.  I don't feel he has a right to make rules on what I can and cannot do with my partner in the house.  I've played along because, well, I don't want to upset him or hurt his feelings, but it's ruining my relationship with Chesh.  That's not fair to me, and it's definitely not fair to Chesh.

In the past couple weeks Chesh is starting to feel like Wolf is trying to get rid of him, trying to weed him out.  He's slowly taking away all of my time with Chesh for an assumption that Chesh and I have sex while he's at work pretty much all the time.  How that's going to work when they're working the same shift, I have no idea. Besides, I've got my own issues.  I can't have sex in the morning when I'm under this much stress.  I'm not in the mood. I've got the kids on my mind.  I'm far more likely to have a panic attack.  It's just not happening.

What really gets me in all of this is he doesn't care about anyone but himself.  He told me last night that if I wanted to have more of a sexual relationship with Chesh, I just needed to get my panic attacks in order.  It's not fair to say my panic attacks are preventing things, yet he's not allowed to be jealous.  Every time I try to convey to him that I've been in a similar situation to his before, he's got to throw out all the ways it's different, so I can't possibly understand.  Apparently no one can understand his suffering but him and I have to be completely supportive of his jealousy because he's supportive of my mental problems, like that's somehow fair.  He doesn't care about what anyone is going through but him.

I don't know.  I just feel like Wolf is really just a selfish brat.  I know he's only 22 and he's got a lot of growing up to do, but I don't feel I should have to wait around for that.  I'm hitting one of the lowest lows I've ever hit in my life, and he's a huge part of that.  I just can't do it anymore...

Okay, so It's Been a While...

I heard from a reader today.  I didn't really realize I had readers!  Okay, so I lie.  I know I've got readers, otherwise I wouldn't keep getting comments.  For those of you have left comments, thank you!  You're wonderful!  That's part of the reason bloggers write, don't you think?  It's not just about the ego.  Yes, it's nice to know that someone out there is touched by what I write, but it's also an outlet for me.  The things I write here are things I can't let out anywhere else, aside from in certain societies, of course.

This reader today messaged me on Fetlife.  Yes, I'm on Fet, but I guess that shouldn't be surprising.  Who isn't? Okay, if you're not, then maybe you should be!  In some ways it keeps me sane.  I don't feel so strange when I can connect with people who have similar likes and interests.  I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have that.  It can feel so lonely in a world that's filled with other moms, because that's what you see a lot of when you're a mom.  When you're a part of the homeschool community and all of your friends are into sustainable living, organic foods, and sometimes vegetarianism it feels like I'm lost in some kind of hippie paradise, but at the same time, it's a special kind of hell.  It's disconnected from this other part of myself.  Don't get me wrong, I love the other half of my life, but I've found it...I don't know, somehow lacking?

I know, I know...  There's a huge overlap between the earthy-crunchy part of the world and the fetish/kink community.  There are plenty of parents who are into that kind of thing.  I'm sure I could find plenty of people who would fit both needs, but it's hard to get out there and meet people.  It's hard to put myself out there knowing the way people look at those who are kinky and poly.  Those sorts of things can get your kids taken away.  Don't believe me?  I've known people it's happened to...

I guess what I'm saying is I'm glad I've found an outlet.  I'm glad I've found a place for me, where I can meet new people, network, and share interests with my friends.  The fetish/kink community has brought some truly wonderful people into my life, and I don't know what I would do without them.  Some of them have been lifesavers (literally), some of them have been wonderful support.  Some of them have just been fantastic people who always give me a reason t smile.  Yes, there's sometimes drama, but you find that everywhere.

Hopefully I'm going to be more inspired to write again.  With my recent push to become a part of the community again, I'm hoping that I can find more reason to write.  I don't really benefit from writing here in any tangible way, and I think that's half the problem with keeping me inspired.  It's easier to do something when you have incentive, you know?  I don't make money off the blog.  I'm not getting work as a result of my blog.  I'm not getting any kick-backs from advertising or anything else.  I just write because I've got something on my mind.  I guess that's what's given to the sporadic nature of this blog.

Anyhow, it's late.  I'm not necessarily making any sense.  I'm just babbling.  That probably means it's time to head off to do something else, like that strange thing called sleep.

Yeah, No Doubt About It, I'm Poly...

I don't know what's wrong with me, or maybe it's something right with me.  I'm finding that just when I think I've found enough, guess what?  Nope, not enough!  I've finally found some sense of what I want in life and there the world goes, turning everything on it's head.  It's really driving me insane.  I mean, I think if everyone was poly, this totally wouldn't be a problem at all, but the world isn't that way.  It sucks...seriously...

Yup, I've got a boyfriend that probably doesn't deserve me in most people's eyes, but I'm not ready to be done with him yet.  Then there's that friend of mine that always runs away.  I really miss him right now.  I seriously wish there was a chance something could have happened between he and I, but I'm not even sure he'll be around at all anymore.  Then there's this other guy I know, who I just don't understand my attraction to.  I mean, I really do, but at the same time my brain keeps screaming, "No!  This can't be happening!  There's just something wrong with me!"  Then the neighbor confessed that he's got a thing for me.  He's adorable, but...I don't know.  Why can't women be more like that with me?  Seriously?  I'm just really kind of lost in this whole thing.  I just don't know what I want right now and I highly doubt anyone would be okay with everyone just letting things happen.

I just think this could all be solved if the whole world were poly.  I wouldn't have to worry about what is seen as right and wrong.  I wish that people would just say how they feel candidly and with no fear, because then I'd have no reason to worry.  I'd always know everything would be okay.  I mean, for me it's easier to get hurt if you just get it out of the way instead of just get it over with.  It's just irritating.

So, yeah, I'm kind of in a weird place right now.  Maybe some day I'll write about it, but right now I think I just need to limit the details until I'm ready to let go.  Who knows who reads this thing, you know?  I don't know.  We'll see what happens...

Feeling Invisible

So, it's been a while since I've updated this thing. Drama, you know? That's the problem with love. Love gets messy. Then after love gets messy, guess what? Life gets complicated. I guess that's just the way of it. It doesn't help that men certainly seem to know how to screw things up for themselves. That's kind of been my life.

Where have things gone with the men I've confessed myself to here? Well, one of them isn't talking to me and he's dating someone. My partner is an idiot more often than not. That's not being cruel, that's being honest. He screws things up for me far too often. The other man I loved has fallen away from me, which sucks but there's nothing I can do about it. I'm coping.

In all of this, I'm really missing my own nights out with my friend back home. Why can't I just go out to dinner with someone like I used to? Why can't I have that again? Seriously, I miss those days. I loved going out and just being me, no kids, no house to worry about, none of that. I love my life now, but I want a piece of that old life back.

All of this is making me realize how good I had it back home. Boston was awesome. Life was different there. I was so much freer. I was able to run away if I needed to. I can't count the times I took the subway, just because. Hell, there were a few times I was sure to check my appearance in the mirror before going out for a walk or a random bus ride that I had no reason to take. There were more than a few times I made sure I looked my best just to take the subway downtown and walk for an hour just because. What can I say? I liked the attention. It's nice to be the pretty girl that people notice. It's nice to be hit on. It's nice to feel wanted.

Around here I'm not a girl that grabs attention. I'm not going to go off saying I'm not pretty. Obviously enough people feel that I am, otherwise I wouldn't be hearing it so often. Hell, I know I'm prettier than some of the women that are known to make the rounds in this community. Of course, they make the rounds because they have a reputation that wins people over. I'm not saying I'd want a reputation like that. Honestly, in at least one case I know I definitely wouldn't want her reputation. However, it's nice to be noticed. It's nice to be seen. It's especially nice to be hit on! It makes you feel attractive, you know?

Funny thing is a lot of men and women around here seem to think I'm just not accessible. I have high standards and that makes me come off as elitist. I'm really particular about the people I'm attracted to. I like what I like, and at least I have the decency to be honest about that. In Boston it wasn't really a problem. Being a bit brainy and elitist worked in my favor. I attracted the kind of people I wanted in my life, which really worked for me, even if I was too afraid to let things go anywhere with them. I had found a way to fulfill that need. Here everything is so backwards. It seems like people are rewarded for high school drama and everything else is just ignored or looked down upon.

It's so frustrating that all I want is to relax, go out, and have a little fun, yet everyone has all these expectations and prerequisites. Why does it have to be like that? It's so incredibly frustrating! Ugh… I'm going to bed!

This Is Us

I couldn't have planned a better ending to this whole situation.  My partner showed one of my confession blogs to a friend and it caused a whole lot of chaos.  I was thinking I'd completely lost him as a friend.  I'd given up.

It's been a couple weeks since that all went down.  He and I had an argument about everything that happened.  He withdrew.  I got angry.  I finally told him that I didn't want to push him.  I was tired of chasing someone else.  It was time someone chased me for once.  I was done playing the game of push and pull to get information, know how other people were feeling, and everything else.  I was done.  I just wasn't going to try anymore.

Well, on Valentine's Day he got kicked out of his house over something stupid.  It was drama.  In truth, he's better off without them.  He didn't want to ask us for help because he thought I might still be upset, even though on my end, I'd released all attachment to the outcome.  He ended up coming here.

This whole thing could have been total awkwardness.  It could have been a challenging situation.  We could have both been massively uncomfortable with the tension that could easily build, both of us reacting in avoidance of what we both might have been feeling.  I was fully expecting to have things get really uncomfortable really quickly.

Just this past Friday I took my friend to one of my dance shows.  I wasn't sure what he'd think of it.  I mean, it's an incredibly sexual art for a lot of people.  While I don't find it terribly sexy or anything, I could easily see him feeling it was.  On top of everything else it could have made things difficult.  If he started to develop a physical lust for me and there was already some sense of awkwardness between us, it could have easily gotten bad.  The whole thing could have easily turned into a nightmare situation.

Last night we had a nice long phone conversation.  We talked about a whole lot of things.  Most importantly, we talked about everything that was going on between us in the most vague and indirect of ways.  With most people, they talk about feelings, emotions, and relationships in a pretty candid and open way.  I like you.  You like me.  Let's see what comes of this.  That's just not how either of us work.  Was anything really said?  Not so much.  It was really a whole lot of nothing.  However, we did come to two conclusions, he loves me, and neither of us is attached to an outcome.  If it happens, it happens.  If it doesn't, it doesn't.  No pressure, no worries, no anything.  It's actually a huge relief.

So this is us, two people who share a close and intimate bond, but really aren't all that intimate on the level everyone in this modern world would think.  This is what poly is really about, sharing love, no matter what form it comes in.  In this case, the form isn't necessarily romantic, though it could some day be.  It's still incredibly intense and powerful.

I can't deny it anymore.  I'm poly.  I'll always be poly.  Nothing will ever change that.  I can't help who I am, how I'm wired, or what I'm meant to be.  This is us, and in it, I've finally found me.

The News...

My partner is, well, an idiot.  He's found a great way to get me a lot of unwanted attention.  He tells everyone that he and I are separating for a while and he needs to find somewhere to go on Facebook.  Well, several men who have been interested in me and just waiting for their chance have decided to track me down and check in on me.  Isn't that fantastic?  Given that I have no interest in pursuing anything right now?  I don't know.  I just don't know what to think.  I'm so incredibly frustrated.  I mean, I'm poly, not a whore!

Unfortunately, I think for a few of these guys, that's what they're thinking.  I know a few of them who are just looking to have a little fun, and I honestly don't think I'm up for a little fun, at least not like that.  Just because I may soon be single doesn't mean I want every man around town.

With my partner, will he and I get back together after this separation?  We'll have to see.  He's got to earn me back at this point.  All the mundane stuff, I don't know.  I love him, but I shouldn't have to support him when I've got kids to worry about and bills to pay.  It's just not fair to me.  I feel horrible about saying that.  Hell, a part of me doesn't even want to give him the chance.  I just want to run away and start over with someone new from a point of trust, but we have a baby together, so it's simply not going to be that easy.

And now I'm in even more of a confusing situation.  So, that friend that my partner kind of exposed my feelings about, he and I have been talking.  Actually, he's been staying at my house.  I kind of fell asleep on him last night.  He and I talked for four hours tonight.  It was just so natural!  I didn't even realize four hours had gone by!  I just felt like myself.  I talked about things I hadn't talked about in years, things I wasn't comfortable talking about, things that made me laugh.  I was actually a little surprised by his sense of honor, something that's all too rare these days.  He's a good guy.  I really do love him and I'm glad he's in my life.

So, in all of this I've been put off by people who want me.  I've been defended by a man who actually found it in him to admit he loves me!  And for anyone reading this, there is a big difference between loving someone and being in love.  He's offered to try and avert a situation that could get quite messy if it's not handled right.  I've got the whole thing with my partner, which I'm done crying over for now.  I wish that one didn't have to hurt, but he's got to get his life together.  I've also had my very good friend remind me that I've pretty much got my life together.  It's just ironing out the details at this point.  It's a wash of good and bad.  Honestly, I just hope it all works out in the end...

Just Not Feeling It

That whole sex thing, it's like everything else in my life.  Either I'm feeling it, or I'm not.  I'm in the mood, or I'm not.  I don't get how other people can just be sexual 100% of the time.  I don't get how they can be into kink 100% of the time.  Then again, I really don't need to, I guess.

The other night a friend of mine was telling me she thought she had no problems keeping a man as a result of her flexibility.  Mind you, she does have problems keeping a man and it's got nothing to do with flexibility or anything else.  She just makes the choice to go through them the way she goes through underwear.

Anyhow, she and some of her other comments got me thinking.  First, I don't entirely see why people want to stay with me.  Yes, there's my other qualities, but I go through these phases but I just don't feel like a sexual person.  In truth, sex is typically the furthest thing from my mind.  I've got other things that make me happy and sex just isn't a big deal to me.  Yeah, kinky stuff can spice things up, but sometimes I'm just not in the mood.  Sometimes I would just rather chill.

She also made some comments that were aimed to mock my self-esteem, like saying I weighed 160 when she met me.  In truth, I weighed 130, and most of that was in milk weight!  I was a nursing mom at a 34G cup size.  I honestly think she just said that to make herself feel better about herself.  She said I looked pretty chunky, but in truth, I looked pretty good.  Most men have agreed that I looked a lot more attractive at that weight than I do now!  I honestly think I agree with them!  When I was a little squishier I felt a lot sexier too.  Of course, I was in a position not to do anything with my sexuality, but I felt a lot sexier back then.  I was curvier and looked a lot more like a real woman.

I think a lot of that sexuality thing has to do with how I feel about my body.  Yeah, there was a time when I felt awesome when I was thin.  I took one look at my body and would think, "wow, I'm beautiful, thin, fit, attractive!"  Now I look at my body and think, "I'm too thin.  I looked so much more attractive when I was a little more chubby.  I wish I had a little more jelly to me.  It would make me a more attractive dancer too."  It just seems like I'm kind of out of the sexuality thing due to my own image.  It doesn't help that so many men in my life prefer the curvier girls, and I really have no women in my life like that.  When people found me beautiful for me, I had no problems with my sexuality.  Now that I'm hearing that I'm not attractive to many of the people I surround myself with I just don't like myself anymore, not appearance-wise.  I don't feel beautiful.

What gets me the most out of all of this is it's not a result of only finding myself attractive if I am in other people's eyes.  It's more along the lines of attention.  When I feel like I'm invisible, it kills my sex drive, and every other drive I've got.  I just like feeling like people see me and care about me.  When I feel like I'm noticed, I feel like I'm making a choice to be with the man I'm with.  I don't feel like I'm settling.  I don't even know if that makes sense.  I just need someone to give me back that spark of potential for something new in my life again so I can run with it again, feel like myself...