Non-Sexual Play in the Fetish/Kink Community

I've been thinking a lot about myself in the fetish and kink community.  A part of me completely wants to withdraw.  I will admit, as much as I love that side of my life, it's been lacking as of late.  It's hard to be kinky and a mom.  It's hard to find time for that part of my life without the children being able to wander in and question.  I'm not sure I want that in my life with my current partner.  Given that we're being sexually exclusive right now, that kind of limits things too.  If that's the case, why bother?

Last night over Thanksgiving recovery, one of our guests brought up an interesting point when detailing his rules.  Any play he engages in with anyone but his wife is non-sexual.  I'll be honest on this one.  The concept of non-sexual play isn't new to me.  It's what I've wanted for a very long time now.  However, it seems in the fetish community, at least in the community here, that's the only thing anyone wants.  It's all about sex and driven by sex.  While I'm okay with my own sexuality, I'm really not okay with having to have a sexual relationship with all of my play partners.  As much as I love the idea of who I am as a top, it's not a sexual thing for me.  I can't switch gears from being that kind of powerful, aggressive, and occasionally flat-out mean to then transition that energy into sex.  For me, it's not about sex.  It's got nothing to do with sex.  When I'm in that zone, I'm a completely different person.

The same can be said about me as a submissive.  Very rarely will I willingly allow myself to be submissive in a sexual manner.  A lot of us in the fetish and kink community have backgrounds of abuse, violence, rape, and other situations where we're not in control.  As a result, I know I'm not the only one who is very picky about who I will let top me.  I like to know that I'll be with someone I can trust.  More importantly, crossing the line into sexual play means there's yet another layer of trust to be added into the mix.  The biggest influence on that is my own psychological problems.  I don't like pushing those boundaries, so I choose to reserve that privilege to a very specific and select few.  I know some women don't have problems with that, but I do.  Therefore, sex isn't always going to be involved in my play as a submissive or bottom either.

Unfortunately, the fetish and kink community seems to have this incredible trend towards sexuality.  In many play partner relationships that I've seen, sexual play is expected to be a part of it.  It's different when it comes down to play parties and the like, but that's also public play.  Public play has a lot of very different expectations.  How can it not?  The whole environment is different.

I suppose it's in part a cross-over from the fetish community to the poly community.  Those who enjoy sharing several partners have no problems sharing sexual play partners as well.  Still, just because that's a common choice does not make it everyone's choice.  It's frustrating, but it really limits my options.