I know, you're looking at the title for this entry and probably cracking up. A girl that's into the kink lifestyle, worked as an escort, and all of that be sweet and innocent? It's totally impossible!
The truth is I'm not such a bad girl and a deviant as many people seem to think. I'm not this dark girl with this sick and twisted mind. I don't have wild fantasies every night. I'm not intensely sexual. I'm actually not that sexual at all, not usually. In comparison to most people I know, I'm pretty knowledgeable, but also pretty prudish. It's not so much that I'm sheltered. I simply not that kind of a person.
You know how there's all these jokes about women who say they never masturbate and in truth they probably do. Men seem to think that women do it almost as frequently as they do. Honestly, I wouldn't know. I know no one would ever believe me on this, but I don't. I've heard the whole thing of, "How can you expect anyone to want to be with you if you don't even want to be with you." In my case, I'd like to think that doesn't apply. I'm not largely driven by sex and probably never will be. In most cases I could care less about sex. If it happens and it's good, yes, that's great. Otherwise? I really could care less.
What about all the other stuff? I'll be honest, half the time when someone is talking about this or that, I generally don't know what they're talking about. Yeah, I smile and laugh with everyone else. I pretend to get it. I'm just too afraid to humiliate myself by asking about something everyone else seems to get. I don't make crude jokes for that reason too. I don't get in on crass conversations. I tend to tune out conversations that relate to that kind of thing. In the grand scheme of things, I'm not at all the deviant that people think.
Will anyone believe this? I can't entirely be certain. All I know is I am what I am, whatever that may be, and appearances can be very deceiving.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
My dreams have been killing me lately, I swear. It's really starting to effect my daily life, which really isn't something I want happening. I need to be able to live a normal life.
So, what does this have to do with my blog? Well, no, the most recent wasn't a sex dream, much as it might disappoint some people. I guess there was sex implied in one of the dreams, and there was rape and violence in the other. However, it wasn't something that would really apply to some fantasy.
The dreams seem to relate, the first, then the second. The first dream was rape and murder. Then the second dream was a reaction to fear of being abused, brutalized, and murdered. The second dream implied waking up after a night of getting drunk and ending up in bed with a friend,
What does this have to do with my daily life? The lack of sleep from not wanting to sleep on something like this is killing me. The people who haunt my dreams haunt my waking life so vividly that I don't know how I can manage to live without them. This last dream has made everything much more challenging.
Look at last night's dream, for example. I had a dream where the friend I've been so conflicted about and I get ridiculously drunk one evening. We kissed, but that's about as far as it got before the clip hopped to waking up in bed with him, both of us naked. I get dressed and have a total panic attack over what I was convinced must have happened. I mean, what are the chances of getting drunk and waking up naked and not having sex. After I dressed I ended up pacing the room. By the end of it I was crying and curled up in the corner. My friend woke up to my distressed state and crouched down beside me, almost trapping me into the corner. He coaxed me out and into his arms with nothing more than words. I can imagine if it had been a real scene that someone had walked across they would have thought it rather strange to see a fully dressed woman crying in a pile on the floor, wrapped in the arms of a naked man.
What happened after that dream? I haven't been able to stop thinking about him all day. I had a hard time getting him out of my mind before, but now? I wish I could ask him about that dream, as if he'd somehow be able to give me answer, something I know he couldn't do. It's like somehow he can make these dreams go away. That little stupid clue screams that he can make my nightmares go away. I swear, if I could see him right now, anything to rescue me from these nightmares and help me get some sleep, something I've joked with myself is the message of the dreams.
It's not just this friend, though, I have to say, the dream from last night has made the biggest impression so far, like some kind of strange addiction. The rest of these friends have a variety of reactions, a variety of reasons to be remembered. It's just so strange. All the dreams have been nightmares, though, only one ended in a less than painfully tragic way. I'm about ready for this to be over so I can get some sleep! I'm about ready to have this over so the stress and fear generated by these dreams can stop making me so uncomfortable with being touched, looked at, or anything else. I want to feel normal again...
So, what does this have to do with my blog? Well, no, the most recent wasn't a sex dream, much as it might disappoint some people. I guess there was sex implied in one of the dreams, and there was rape and violence in the other. However, it wasn't something that would really apply to some fantasy.
The dreams seem to relate, the first, then the second. The first dream was rape and murder. Then the second dream was a reaction to fear of being abused, brutalized, and murdered. The second dream implied waking up after a night of getting drunk and ending up in bed with a friend,
What does this have to do with my daily life? The lack of sleep from not wanting to sleep on something like this is killing me. The people who haunt my dreams haunt my waking life so vividly that I don't know how I can manage to live without them. This last dream has made everything much more challenging.
Look at last night's dream, for example. I had a dream where the friend I've been so conflicted about and I get ridiculously drunk one evening. We kissed, but that's about as far as it got before the clip hopped to waking up in bed with him, both of us naked. I get dressed and have a total panic attack over what I was convinced must have happened. I mean, what are the chances of getting drunk and waking up naked and not having sex. After I dressed I ended up pacing the room. By the end of it I was crying and curled up in the corner. My friend woke up to my distressed state and crouched down beside me, almost trapping me into the corner. He coaxed me out and into his arms with nothing more than words. I can imagine if it had been a real scene that someone had walked across they would have thought it rather strange to see a fully dressed woman crying in a pile on the floor, wrapped in the arms of a naked man.
What happened after that dream? I haven't been able to stop thinking about him all day. I had a hard time getting him out of my mind before, but now? I wish I could ask him about that dream, as if he'd somehow be able to give me answer, something I know he couldn't do. It's like somehow he can make these dreams go away. That little stupid clue screams that he can make my nightmares go away. I swear, if I could see him right now, anything to rescue me from these nightmares and help me get some sleep, something I've joked with myself is the message of the dreams.
It's not just this friend, though, I have to say, the dream from last night has made the biggest impression so far, like some kind of strange addiction. The rest of these friends have a variety of reactions, a variety of reasons to be remembered. It's just so strange. All the dreams have been nightmares, though, only one ended in a less than painfully tragic way. I'm about ready for this to be over so I can get some sleep! I'm about ready to have this over so the stress and fear generated by these dreams can stop making me so uncomfortable with being touched, looked at, or anything else. I want to feel normal again...
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Welcome to Regret
Apparently pouring my heart and soul here was a bad idea. I know it was all in the guise of helping, but it seems this very blog has been passed on to the friend I had written so confidentially about. I'm starting to regret the decision to put myself out there.
Well, in case you haven't figured it out, that friend that I'd made that heartfelt confession of being fragile but wanting to see where everything goes...yup...he was shown that very entry. When I found out, I felt like I was betrayed. I wanted to cry. If I had wanted myself exposed, I'd have told him myself.
So, what do I do now? I could go with my usual stand-by and run away. I could hide from the situation once again, but what good would that do. It's all out there and there's really not much helping that at this point.
I have to say, I so hate this poly thing sometimes. It gives me the freedom to pursue other situations, which is great. Unfortunately, it would be so much easier to deny these feelings ever existed them. It's such a ridiculous frustration right now.
I'm seriously starting to regret putting myself out there right now. I don't like having to ignore the feelings I have, but I just don't feel like I have much choice anymore. Is there nothing sacred in this world? Why do people always feel the need to meddle?
Well, in case you haven't figured it out, that friend that I'd made that heartfelt confession of being fragile but wanting to see where everything goes...yup...he was shown that very entry. When I found out, I felt like I was betrayed. I wanted to cry. If I had wanted myself exposed, I'd have told him myself.
So, what do I do now? I could go with my usual stand-by and run away. I could hide from the situation once again, but what good would that do. It's all out there and there's really not much helping that at this point.
I have to say, I so hate this poly thing sometimes. It gives me the freedom to pursue other situations, which is great. Unfortunately, it would be so much easier to deny these feelings ever existed them. It's such a ridiculous frustration right now.
I'm seriously starting to regret putting myself out there right now. I don't like having to ignore the feelings I have, but I just don't feel like I have much choice anymore. Is there nothing sacred in this world? Why do people always feel the need to meddle?
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
A Strange Attraction
Dear Friend,
I don't know what it is between you and I. There's just this strange energy between us. I'm not entirely sure what it is or where it's coming from. I'm drawn to you in ways I can't even explain. I just enjoy being near you. When you hold me it's like it was just meant to be. I've never felt this comfortable in a man's arms before. It's never felt this natural.
I know most people would just tell me I had a thing for you. Several people have called the sexual tension between us unbearable. More than a couple of people have told me I should just have sex with you and get over it already. Some people think we'd actually make a cute couple. Me, I don't feel that way. It's not sexual. It's jut this deep connection. It's like somehow, somewhere we just match. It's like two puzzle pieces. I'm drawn to you because somehow I feel more complete.
It's not what you think. We're not two soul mates somehow bonded together. I shouldn't be angling to make you my husband. I don't need to be dragging you into my poly lifestyle. It's somehow much simpler than all of that. I feel safe with you. I feel safer with you than anyone I've ever met before. I can't explain the how or why. It doesn't make any sense to me.
When we talk you make me feel, well, like an idiot. You talk about things I feel like I could only hope to understand. I smile and nod, the clueless pretty girl, yet every time you compliment me on my brilliance. A part of me wants to laugh at you, to question how you come up with these crazy ideas, but somehow I now you're right. I can't help but feel challenged by you, more challenged than by anyone else I've known. I'm drawn to it. I finally feel like I'm more than just a pretty face.
This isn't going to go anywhere. We both know this. It's not a sex based thing. It's not like I'm meant to be with you or anything. It's just so incredibly refreshing. I'm just afraid if I tell you, you'll think I'm crazy.
Well, I guess I'm getting muddled...
Lilith
I don't know what it is between you and I. There's just this strange energy between us. I'm not entirely sure what it is or where it's coming from. I'm drawn to you in ways I can't even explain. I just enjoy being near you. When you hold me it's like it was just meant to be. I've never felt this comfortable in a man's arms before. It's never felt this natural.
I know most people would just tell me I had a thing for you. Several people have called the sexual tension between us unbearable. More than a couple of people have told me I should just have sex with you and get over it already. Some people think we'd actually make a cute couple. Me, I don't feel that way. It's not sexual. It's jut this deep connection. It's like somehow, somewhere we just match. It's like two puzzle pieces. I'm drawn to you because somehow I feel more complete.
It's not what you think. We're not two soul mates somehow bonded together. I shouldn't be angling to make you my husband. I don't need to be dragging you into my poly lifestyle. It's somehow much simpler than all of that. I feel safe with you. I feel safer with you than anyone I've ever met before. I can't explain the how or why. It doesn't make any sense to me.
When we talk you make me feel, well, like an idiot. You talk about things I feel like I could only hope to understand. I smile and nod, the clueless pretty girl, yet every time you compliment me on my brilliance. A part of me wants to laugh at you, to question how you come up with these crazy ideas, but somehow I now you're right. I can't help but feel challenged by you, more challenged than by anyone else I've known. I'm drawn to it. I finally feel like I'm more than just a pretty face.
This isn't going to go anywhere. We both know this. It's not a sex based thing. It's not like I'm meant to be with you or anything. It's just so incredibly refreshing. I'm just afraid if I tell you, you'll think I'm crazy.
Well, I guess I'm getting muddled...
Lilith
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
This Abuse Victim's Take on Submission, or Why I'm not Submissive
There was a time when I had no choice in my life. I wasn't given a say in how I spent my money, even when I was the one who earned it. I wasn't given much choice in anything. I was expected to do all of the work around the house, care for the child, and still hold a full time job. I was put in a situation where I didn't even realize it, but I'd begun to ask permission to leave the house to go out with friends or to go to dance class. When I did go out, I felt guilty all the time. I felt like I shouldn't have gone and I would somehow regret the privileged later. As much as I didn't want to admit it, I was trapped. I couldn't think for myself. I couldn't be myself! I didn't even know who I was anymore! It even got to the point where I wanted to drag him with me to dance classes and troupe rehearsals because I didn't know who I was without him around. I was afraid to even try to be myself. I was afraid of who I would become without him there to monitor me.
In time I managed to free myself from that grip. While he was over-seas I started to take my own freedom. I stopped sitting around the house waiting for him to get online so we could talk. I started going out, having a life, and making friends. My new-found freedom was liberating! I could do anything, be anyone! I wanted to find out who I was and what made me happy! I felt like I was reborn!
All of that changed when he came home and I found myself falling into that role again. I started to hate myself. I started to hate myself for letting him control me. I saw the patterns. I acknowledged them all, but I just couldn't break free! I tried to stand up to him, but I was always struck down with such force that I wouldn't try again for weeks. He knew what buttons to push to keep me locked away as much as possible, and he knew just how to make me feel like I was the worst person in the world. I looked back on the time I spent out with friends. The only times I felt comfortable being without him I was either being put in a situation where I felt inferior or was somehow afraid I'd be pressured into doing more than I was willing (though I never was) or I'd drink. I didn't care if all of my secrets came out while I was drinking, and I certainly wasn't an alcoholic, but with a little alcohol in my system I felt free to talk about what was really going on at home, and then to put it away. I felt comfortable telling people how I really felt about them, and admitting why I never pursued it further than a friendship. I never needed to get drunk (and only did once...and somehow ended up with a male model trying to get me to take my top off...interesting), but it helped ease the friction a bit with the world around me. It was an unhealthy coping mechanism, something to help me get by.
Looking back, I've got an inherent fear of being submissive. I was put into a position where I was forced into submission and I felt completely and utterly trapped! I have to admit, when I hear from the man, I still have this desire to cave in and give him everything he wants. It's everything I can do not to let him have his way and walk all over me. For a while my partner would get furious with me because I was always making excuses for this ex, no matter how horribly he treated me and my family. I was always trying to cover for him. I was submissive to a fault! It's not surprising that I'm filled with fear any time submission comes into play. I'm terrified of being put into that situation again!
Unfortunately, I can't swing right into dominance either. I'm just as afraid of being dominant. I'm afraid I'm going to screw something up, or that my play partner won't be pleased. I've had so much pressure put on doing everything right, doing as I'm told, that I've got no confidence in my own abilities. I'm broken to the point where I just don't have the ability to believe in myself. I'm still shocked when people say I'm pretty. I'm still inclined to run and hide any time anyone hints at a sexual interest in me. That comes with it's own baggage. However, confidence is something that can always be built in time.
For me, submission has become a form of weakness. I can't hold to my own boundaries, which is a good way to get hurt. I tend to allow more than I should for fear of being coerced into it later. I agree to things I don't want to do because I've become genuinely afraid of being pushed into it anyway. When I'm being submissive, I've learned that I have no right to think for myself in any way, shape, or form. I need to ask permission to do anything. I need to get approval to so much as take a shower, and even then, I'm afraid to do it alone. There's the subconscious fear that I'm going to do something wrong and that my partner will be upset with me. I feel I have to call to check in whenever I'm on my way home from wherever I go. I feel the need to have my partner with me at all times. It may sound stupid, but I'm so afraid I'll do something that will have him blow up at me later, even though I know he's nothing like my ex. If he's there, I can get approval or denial of my choices immediately and can alter them accordingly. It's not even about relinquishing control. Instead it's about a dread fear of doing the wrong thing and being punished for it later, maybe not in the way of pain like so much of the fetish community, but through having bad moods taken out on me, being neglected, ignored, or being made to feel that someone else's unhappiness was completely my fault, even though I've done nothing wrong. It comes from being made to feel guilty every time I make a choice because I didn't ask what the right answer was. Being submissive brings back a lot of painful, negative emotions and experiences. It's simply not something I enjoy!
That's not to say submission is in any way wrong. I honestly don't think I've met a submissive yet that feels the way I do about it, trapped and broken when they are submissive. I've never met one that hates themselves so much for being submissive as I do. There are some wonderful people in this world that also happen to be submissive. Many of them are in perfectly happy, healthy relationships. However, I've got to be realistic with myself. Submission isn't a healthy choice for me.
Submission is a dangerous game for me. It can lead to total loss of identity. It can push me into a direction where I feel like I can't face myself in the mirror. It puts me back in that place where I can't stand my own body, my hair, my face. I don't want to look at myself, and I definitely don't want anyone else looking at me. It makes me feel crazy, like I belong in some nut-house. It leads down the road to alcohol again. It leads to the lonely path of exiling my friends unless whoever I'm with forces me to go out with them. It leads me to guilty feelings over every small thing, even just of thoughts and fantasies in my own head.
I know I've been asked time and time again why I'm not a submissive, and why I call myself a switch if I'm not submissive. The truth is in the right hands, I could really use my time as a submissive to heal from those negative experiences from the past. I have to embrace that if I ever want to get beyond it. I have to allow myself to get over those difficult feelings so I don't end up in a bad situation where I really could get hurt because I'm too afraid to stand up for myself. For someone I can trust to that degree, I think it's worth it. I can really enjoy the experience. Unfortunately, those people I feel safe with are very few and far between. Therefore, I leave myself open to the possibility, but the chances of it happening...well...only time can tell...
In time I managed to free myself from that grip. While he was over-seas I started to take my own freedom. I stopped sitting around the house waiting for him to get online so we could talk. I started going out, having a life, and making friends. My new-found freedom was liberating! I could do anything, be anyone! I wanted to find out who I was and what made me happy! I felt like I was reborn!
All of that changed when he came home and I found myself falling into that role again. I started to hate myself. I started to hate myself for letting him control me. I saw the patterns. I acknowledged them all, but I just couldn't break free! I tried to stand up to him, but I was always struck down with such force that I wouldn't try again for weeks. He knew what buttons to push to keep me locked away as much as possible, and he knew just how to make me feel like I was the worst person in the world. I looked back on the time I spent out with friends. The only times I felt comfortable being without him I was either being put in a situation where I felt inferior or was somehow afraid I'd be pressured into doing more than I was willing (though I never was) or I'd drink. I didn't care if all of my secrets came out while I was drinking, and I certainly wasn't an alcoholic, but with a little alcohol in my system I felt free to talk about what was really going on at home, and then to put it away. I felt comfortable telling people how I really felt about them, and admitting why I never pursued it further than a friendship. I never needed to get drunk (and only did once...and somehow ended up with a male model trying to get me to take my top off...interesting), but it helped ease the friction a bit with the world around me. It was an unhealthy coping mechanism, something to help me get by.
Looking back, I've got an inherent fear of being submissive. I was put into a position where I was forced into submission and I felt completely and utterly trapped! I have to admit, when I hear from the man, I still have this desire to cave in and give him everything he wants. It's everything I can do not to let him have his way and walk all over me. For a while my partner would get furious with me because I was always making excuses for this ex, no matter how horribly he treated me and my family. I was always trying to cover for him. I was submissive to a fault! It's not surprising that I'm filled with fear any time submission comes into play. I'm terrified of being put into that situation again!
Unfortunately, I can't swing right into dominance either. I'm just as afraid of being dominant. I'm afraid I'm going to screw something up, or that my play partner won't be pleased. I've had so much pressure put on doing everything right, doing as I'm told, that I've got no confidence in my own abilities. I'm broken to the point where I just don't have the ability to believe in myself. I'm still shocked when people say I'm pretty. I'm still inclined to run and hide any time anyone hints at a sexual interest in me. That comes with it's own baggage. However, confidence is something that can always be built in time.
For me, submission has become a form of weakness. I can't hold to my own boundaries, which is a good way to get hurt. I tend to allow more than I should for fear of being coerced into it later. I agree to things I don't want to do because I've become genuinely afraid of being pushed into it anyway. When I'm being submissive, I've learned that I have no right to think for myself in any way, shape, or form. I need to ask permission to do anything. I need to get approval to so much as take a shower, and even then, I'm afraid to do it alone. There's the subconscious fear that I'm going to do something wrong and that my partner will be upset with me. I feel I have to call to check in whenever I'm on my way home from wherever I go. I feel the need to have my partner with me at all times. It may sound stupid, but I'm so afraid I'll do something that will have him blow up at me later, even though I know he's nothing like my ex. If he's there, I can get approval or denial of my choices immediately and can alter them accordingly. It's not even about relinquishing control. Instead it's about a dread fear of doing the wrong thing and being punished for it later, maybe not in the way of pain like so much of the fetish community, but through having bad moods taken out on me, being neglected, ignored, or being made to feel that someone else's unhappiness was completely my fault, even though I've done nothing wrong. It comes from being made to feel guilty every time I make a choice because I didn't ask what the right answer was. Being submissive brings back a lot of painful, negative emotions and experiences. It's simply not something I enjoy!
That's not to say submission is in any way wrong. I honestly don't think I've met a submissive yet that feels the way I do about it, trapped and broken when they are submissive. I've never met one that hates themselves so much for being submissive as I do. There are some wonderful people in this world that also happen to be submissive. Many of them are in perfectly happy, healthy relationships. However, I've got to be realistic with myself. Submission isn't a healthy choice for me.
Submission is a dangerous game for me. It can lead to total loss of identity. It can push me into a direction where I feel like I can't face myself in the mirror. It puts me back in that place where I can't stand my own body, my hair, my face. I don't want to look at myself, and I definitely don't want anyone else looking at me. It makes me feel crazy, like I belong in some nut-house. It leads down the road to alcohol again. It leads to the lonely path of exiling my friends unless whoever I'm with forces me to go out with them. It leads me to guilty feelings over every small thing, even just of thoughts and fantasies in my own head.
I know I've been asked time and time again why I'm not a submissive, and why I call myself a switch if I'm not submissive. The truth is in the right hands, I could really use my time as a submissive to heal from those negative experiences from the past. I have to embrace that if I ever want to get beyond it. I have to allow myself to get over those difficult feelings so I don't end up in a bad situation where I really could get hurt because I'm too afraid to stand up for myself. For someone I can trust to that degree, I think it's worth it. I can really enjoy the experience. Unfortunately, those people I feel safe with are very few and far between. Therefore, I leave myself open to the possibility, but the chances of it happening...well...only time can tell...
Monday, January 24, 2011
If There's One Thing I Could Say, It's Complicated...
Dear Friend,
I wish I had the guts to tell you how I feel about you. It's been hinted at on more than one occasion. It's been danced around. It seems like neither of us wants to seriously put it out there in a direct and obvious way. We're both a little bit too afraid of getting hurt. We're both too shy, though you certainly don't seem it on the outside! You're good at hiding things, and perhaps I am too. This has definitely gotten in our way before now.
I just can't keep these thoughts in my head anymore. I've got to confess them. I wish I could scream it out to the world, but I think more than a few people would think I'm crazy. I know more than a few people would condemn me for the way I feel, but I can't help it.
My hesitance to talk to you comes from a very true and pure place. I love you very dearly. I'm not going to go so far as to say I'm in love with you. I don't know if that will ever cross our lives like that. Even so, I love you and you are a very dear friend. Because of that, it's a lot harder to put myself on the line. I've been hurt before, yes, and rejection always sucks, but I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. I don't want to push you away again. I don't want to risk losing such a dear friend.
You've always been there when I've needed you. I'm pretty sure you've heard me cry in frustration at my situation. At the very least you've been there while I've cried typing out text messages with water-blurred eyes. When I felt like I was betrayed by someone who was supposed to be family, I turned to you. You're the person I ran to. I thought up some stupid excuse to see you, and then I hid with you where I felt no one would find me. I didn't want to go home. I knew everyone would have been mad at me. They were all waiting on me. I just couldn't go back there. The pain was too bad, but with you I was safe. I never thought I'd admit saying that before, but it's true.
I know there's all this speculation that the friend I felt betrayed by hooked up with that other guy because she knew I'd wanted to be with him for quite some time. I felt drawn to him in a way I couldn't explain. She was jealous because she thought you and I had something going, when in truth, the only things we had going were a love of cars and plenty to talk about. It was never less innocent than that! In turn I know people must have speculated that I went running to you to spite her. If she already thought something was happening between us then I might as well make it true, right? With everything that transpired, it would be easy to think that way. It would have been all too convenient. I have to be honest, I was a little shocked when I heard it put that way, but I suppose I should have seen it coming.
In the end, I felt like I won out. Yes, my friend hooked up with the guy I was interested in, but I was the one he ended up with in a more long term fashion. I have to admit, it wasn't at all what I was expecting. He dropped me flat without so much as taking the time or care for a word towards me. I was really hurt by his actions, especially as it seemed later I was to blame for everything. It damaged my friendship with his girlfriend. It possibly made my friendship with him something that will never recover. It damaged the relationship I had with my boyfriend. It even hurt my boyfriend's relationship with him. All around, no good came out of that situation.
Strangely, I bet you would never guess what I was feeling in the whole thing. The morning after that guy and I hooked up I felt nothing but this sickening feeling of regret. I felt guilty. I felt like I had somehow betrayed you. Instead of feeling happy that I'd gotten a chance to see where things would go with someone I had been interested in for at least three years, I couldn't help but think about you. I wanted to cry. I was convinced you would hate me for it. A part of me wanted to pin you down into a relationship with me, that way I could say you came first. You were a priority over this new guy, and then you couldn't feel jealous, right? And why would you feel jealous anyway? It's not like you were planning to settle into anything serious, at least not as far as I knew. Still, I felt like I somehow betrayed you. I felt all around guilty.
It's been a while since all of that happened. I've had some time to think about it. Because of your distance, I tried to put you out of my mind. I have to admit, every time I got a text from you I would get all kinds of excited like a high school girl over her crush. You always had a way of making me laugh like no one else could. You've always listened when I confess my most stupid insecurities, my fears, and the confessions I had to make about my own situation. I've always been able to trust you. Yes, you have your mood swings, but who doesn't. It can be challenging for me because I want you to be happy, but I can't make you happy. That's something you need to choose for yourself. Even with all of your flaws, I still get excited to hear you're going to be able to visit. I still feel like anything I have to say will be too stupid to interest you. I still want to cower and hide because I'm so incredibly afraid that you'll actually want to pursue something and you'll find out just how damaged I am, then toss me aside. This whole thing is scary for me.
I don't know what it is about you. I really wish I understood myself here. I wish I could just come clean and tell you that I want you to be more of a part of my life than the random texts here and there. I wish I could tell you that I want to see where this goes, as terrified as I am, but you'll have to be patient with me. I'm fragile. I break easier than I let on. I need you to understand and respect me, two things you already do so well.
We're both kind of broken, I guess. We both have our insecurities. We both tend to go hide when things get a bit too much. We both get weird. We both withdraw. I guess because of that, we should both have some deeper sense of understanding of each other. This could be something wonderful for both of us. I just hope you give me a chance to see where this road will take us, to see where this path is going to go.
With honesty and love,
Lilith
I wish I had the guts to tell you how I feel about you. It's been hinted at on more than one occasion. It's been danced around. It seems like neither of us wants to seriously put it out there in a direct and obvious way. We're both a little bit too afraid of getting hurt. We're both too shy, though you certainly don't seem it on the outside! You're good at hiding things, and perhaps I am too. This has definitely gotten in our way before now.
I just can't keep these thoughts in my head anymore. I've got to confess them. I wish I could scream it out to the world, but I think more than a few people would think I'm crazy. I know more than a few people would condemn me for the way I feel, but I can't help it.
My hesitance to talk to you comes from a very true and pure place. I love you very dearly. I'm not going to go so far as to say I'm in love with you. I don't know if that will ever cross our lives like that. Even so, I love you and you are a very dear friend. Because of that, it's a lot harder to put myself on the line. I've been hurt before, yes, and rejection always sucks, but I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. I don't want to push you away again. I don't want to risk losing such a dear friend.
You've always been there when I've needed you. I'm pretty sure you've heard me cry in frustration at my situation. At the very least you've been there while I've cried typing out text messages with water-blurred eyes. When I felt like I was betrayed by someone who was supposed to be family, I turned to you. You're the person I ran to. I thought up some stupid excuse to see you, and then I hid with you where I felt no one would find me. I didn't want to go home. I knew everyone would have been mad at me. They were all waiting on me. I just couldn't go back there. The pain was too bad, but with you I was safe. I never thought I'd admit saying that before, but it's true.
I know there's all this speculation that the friend I felt betrayed by hooked up with that other guy because she knew I'd wanted to be with him for quite some time. I felt drawn to him in a way I couldn't explain. She was jealous because she thought you and I had something going, when in truth, the only things we had going were a love of cars and plenty to talk about. It was never less innocent than that! In turn I know people must have speculated that I went running to you to spite her. If she already thought something was happening between us then I might as well make it true, right? With everything that transpired, it would be easy to think that way. It would have been all too convenient. I have to be honest, I was a little shocked when I heard it put that way, but I suppose I should have seen it coming.
In the end, I felt like I won out. Yes, my friend hooked up with the guy I was interested in, but I was the one he ended up with in a more long term fashion. I have to admit, it wasn't at all what I was expecting. He dropped me flat without so much as taking the time or care for a word towards me. I was really hurt by his actions, especially as it seemed later I was to blame for everything. It damaged my friendship with his girlfriend. It possibly made my friendship with him something that will never recover. It damaged the relationship I had with my boyfriend. It even hurt my boyfriend's relationship with him. All around, no good came out of that situation.
Strangely, I bet you would never guess what I was feeling in the whole thing. The morning after that guy and I hooked up I felt nothing but this sickening feeling of regret. I felt guilty. I felt like I had somehow betrayed you. Instead of feeling happy that I'd gotten a chance to see where things would go with someone I had been interested in for at least three years, I couldn't help but think about you. I wanted to cry. I was convinced you would hate me for it. A part of me wanted to pin you down into a relationship with me, that way I could say you came first. You were a priority over this new guy, and then you couldn't feel jealous, right? And why would you feel jealous anyway? It's not like you were planning to settle into anything serious, at least not as far as I knew. Still, I felt like I somehow betrayed you. I felt all around guilty.
It's been a while since all of that happened. I've had some time to think about it. Because of your distance, I tried to put you out of my mind. I have to admit, every time I got a text from you I would get all kinds of excited like a high school girl over her crush. You always had a way of making me laugh like no one else could. You've always listened when I confess my most stupid insecurities, my fears, and the confessions I had to make about my own situation. I've always been able to trust you. Yes, you have your mood swings, but who doesn't. It can be challenging for me because I want you to be happy, but I can't make you happy. That's something you need to choose for yourself. Even with all of your flaws, I still get excited to hear you're going to be able to visit. I still feel like anything I have to say will be too stupid to interest you. I still want to cower and hide because I'm so incredibly afraid that you'll actually want to pursue something and you'll find out just how damaged I am, then toss me aside. This whole thing is scary for me.
I don't know what it is about you. I really wish I understood myself here. I wish I could just come clean and tell you that I want you to be more of a part of my life than the random texts here and there. I wish I could tell you that I want to see where this goes, as terrified as I am, but you'll have to be patient with me. I'm fragile. I break easier than I let on. I need you to understand and respect me, two things you already do so well.
We're both kind of broken, I guess. We both have our insecurities. We both tend to go hide when things get a bit too much. We both get weird. We both withdraw. I guess because of that, we should both have some deeper sense of understanding of each other. This could be something wonderful for both of us. I just hope you give me a chance to see where this road will take us, to see where this path is going to go.
With honesty and love,
Lilith
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Talk About a Vacation!
It's been over a month since I've written, well...anything. I have to say, I feel like I've been slacking on that one. There's a million reasons why I haven't written, and a million more reasons why I think I should have been keeping right along. I guess it just is what it is.
Since I've last written I've learned a lot. I've changed a lot in some ways too. I know you don't want to hear all of the stupid mundane stuff. If you wanted to hear about that you'd ask me about my life, my family, and all of that. This blog isn't about my regular, normal life, or as normal as it ever gets. Still, I've changed in a lot of other ways too.
This past year I've learned a lot about trust, particularly who not to trust. I've learned a lot about betrayal, particularly in feeling betrayed. I've learned a lot about being hurt. I've questioned my desire for a poly relationship. I've felt like I betrayed someone I cared about very much by a decision I later thought was quite stupid, only to find out that the reaction wasn't my fault at all apparently. It's been a strange year.
Coming into the new year I've gotten a fresh start. I've started to look at the world differently. In some aspects of my life, I'm happy with it. In others, I'm really needing things to change for the better. Yes, we're still talking about this side of my life, though it seems to filter into all aspects of my life.
There have been strange thoughts that have floated through my head this year. In particular, this relates to the poly community. There are a couple people I wish I could just put myself out there with. I wish I could just lay it on the line and let them know how I feel about them, and then just see where things go, but I really can't. Something is holding me back. I guess I'm still afraid of getting hurt.
Well, this vacation of mine has lasted long enough. I think it's really time I pick myself up, dust myself off, and start talking about this side of my life again. I'm not doing myself justice to do otherwise. I think it's good for me, and who knows, it may just help someone else out there.
Since I've last written I've learned a lot. I've changed a lot in some ways too. I know you don't want to hear all of the stupid mundane stuff. If you wanted to hear about that you'd ask me about my life, my family, and all of that. This blog isn't about my regular, normal life, or as normal as it ever gets. Still, I've changed in a lot of other ways too.
This past year I've learned a lot about trust, particularly who not to trust. I've learned a lot about betrayal, particularly in feeling betrayed. I've learned a lot about being hurt. I've questioned my desire for a poly relationship. I've felt like I betrayed someone I cared about very much by a decision I later thought was quite stupid, only to find out that the reaction wasn't my fault at all apparently. It's been a strange year.
Coming into the new year I've gotten a fresh start. I've started to look at the world differently. In some aspects of my life, I'm happy with it. In others, I'm really needing things to change for the better. Yes, we're still talking about this side of my life, though it seems to filter into all aspects of my life.
There have been strange thoughts that have floated through my head this year. In particular, this relates to the poly community. There are a couple people I wish I could just put myself out there with. I wish I could just lay it on the line and let them know how I feel about them, and then just see where things go, but I really can't. Something is holding me back. I guess I'm still afraid of getting hurt.
Well, this vacation of mine has lasted long enough. I think it's really time I pick myself up, dust myself off, and start talking about this side of my life again. I'm not doing myself justice to do otherwise. I think it's good for me, and who knows, it may just help someone else out there.
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