So...I've been having this dance with the poly lifestyle. One day I'm into it, the next I'm out. I can't seem to make up my mind. Either I'm going to be poly or I'm not. I've got to admit, it's fucking confusing. Who wouldn't feel that way? I mean, seriously, it's the great debate between being attached to one person, or letting your love and lust satisfy itself wherever it chooses. You're torn between having the chance at everything, and limiting yourself to something you know you love. I guess a part of me thinks of it like food. If all I could ever have in my life was chocolate, you can be damn certain I'd get sick of chocolate pretty quick and be craving something else. No matter how you love it, a little bit of something different can easily reaffirm that knowledge that, yes, I have the best in the world.
My view of poly has come in several shapes and sizes. I've done everything from looking for a long-term committed life partner to add to my family to looking only for a woman because I already have a man to completely giving it up all together. In all honesty, I don't know what to look for in my future. I don't know what I'll want. What I do know is I need a strong primary relationship before I can ever stretch my wings and attempt to fly poly again. There's just been too much going on in my life.
However, I've got to admit, I'm kind of embittered at the whole poly world right now. I'll be honest, I think that most men are just in it for themselves. Let's take the last "relationship" I was in, if you even want to call it that. My boyfriend said he would only consent to me seeing this guy as long as he didn't drop me like a bad habit as soon as he had another relationship in his life. What happened? He did just that. Yes, I have some bitter feelings about it. Neither of them want to talk about it. It's in that whole category of "it shall not be spoken of ever again." Do you have any idea how that feels? Can it even be explained how much something like that can trash a person's self-esteem? I hate it! It's like I'm not even worthy enough to count on the list of women he's been with. I'm nothing. Yet at the same time I'm supposed to smile and be absolutely thrilled when my boyfriend's ex's come out of the woodwork and do everything from blatant flirting to mentioning that they've had him before and they have so much better. It's insulting. And to think I consider some of these people my friends. I don't know what I was thinking on that note.
I heard someone mention before that once you're poly, you're always poly. Nothing can take the lifestyle out of you, that liberating freedom. It's so incredibly beautiful to be able to accept your sexuality with anyone you please. It's nice to know that you're not trapped by the confines of only having one person for the rest of your life, or as long as your relationship will last. For a very long time I truly believed that. I found myself gravitating towards other people and as a result of that need to stay with only one person, felt myself gravitating away from my significant other. It was brutal and heartbreaking to have to choose. I never wanted to have to face that situation again.
Now? Well, I don't so much feel that way. I'm honestly thinking I might just close down that part of my life. The poly lifestyle has been done beautifully, but unfortunately tends to cause far too much drama. In my life there have just been too many bitter situations of being dropped like a bad habit because the new girlfriend is jealous. There have been too many situations of never being mentioned again because it hurts someone's feelings, even though I feel like I need the freedom to talk about it. It's my life, after all. I shouldn't have to deny it for anyone. Instead, I just find myself shutting up and keeping the peace because it's not worth the drama. I'm sick of the drama. In truth, I think my biggest problem with the poly community is that far more of them fall under the category of "ethical slut" than truly being poly, than truly believing they can find that deep love connection in another person. That's definitely not something I'm interested in doing ever again.
So...can you take the poly out of the girl? At this rate, I'm starting to believe you can't take true poly out of a girl, but you can certainly take away her will and desire to act upon it. I can honestly say if all I have for the rest of my life is my partner because I just don't want to deal with that kind of situation again.
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