Have you ever noticed how so many people in the community sort of invent a new persona for themselves upon entering. It's almost like they have to carve out an identity from all of the possibilities, and that is who they are. Many of these involve a specific look at parties, munches, or wherever else they may go. It's like they have this persona in the kink community that's somehow a representation of their kinky self.
In the kink community, I've found myself more drawn towards reinventing myself. It's not that I get bored with my kink persona or anything like that. It's not some measure of growth or anything like that. I find that I choose to reinvent myself so often because it helps protect me. It helps hide me from whatever it is in my past that I'm running away from.
I've had some rough situations in my life. My ex, for example, was abusive. As soon as I told him I wanted a divorce, I ran right out and got my lip pierced. Why? Because he hated lip piercings. He thought they were stupid. He was okay with the nose piercing. He was okay with me stretching my ears. I could even have multiple ear piercings. He would have been okay with my nipples pierced, my bellybutton, or any of the girlie bits. However, he hated all other facial piercings, especially the lip. I'll be honest, it wasn't just because he hated lip piercings that I got one. I had been considering it for quite some time and had finally decided, screw it, I'm doing it! Part of it was rebellion, but a good deal of it was also that underlying drive to reinvent myself. I am not his property anymore. I am my own person, so I'm going to become the person I want to be.
I guess, well, I guess you could say that this reinvention of myself is in part a step closer to my true self. My whole thing with Lolita fashion is very much a connection to my kinky self. It's not that I really think I can pull the look off. In truth, I'd have to keep my hair short and get some stunning wigs and some excellent make-up that would make my skin break out like nothing else if I really wanted to do it. I'm really not that into it as an art, especially since being a parent kind of interferes. It could send messed up ideas to my kids if they see their mom spending hours doing make up, putting on a wig, and wearing little girl's clothes every day. Let's be honest, what mom has time for all of that anyway? However, the Lolita thing really appeals to my younger self, the self that many would consider a "little". It's all kind of a step that way.
However, I've noticed since my husband and I went our separate ways, I've become more dominant. I've become more powerful. I've started taking some bold strides to live the lifestyle I want to live. I'm adopting a look that's more what I want to adopt. I'm starting to go through my wardrobe to find what really fits me and what needs to find it's way on to someone else. I'm starting to look at everything from the make-up I wear to the way I do my hair. All of it's changing. It's almost like I'm becoming someone else. I guess it's kind of like my own version of the Witness Protection Program. While I can't hide from the man, I can show the whole world such a different face that he's not even going to recognize me.
Since my husband and I split up, I've gotten three new piercings, colored my hair numerous colors, shaved my head (though that was out of necessity), started to develop a whole new wardrobe, and now I'm getting dreads, something my husband would have died if I ever did when we were together, and will soon be getting my first tattoo. I have to admit, a part of me is filled with terror at the thought. What if I hate my hair? What if I decide I wanted to go all crazy with the Lolita wigs and everything? Now I can't. At least, if I want to, I'll have to cut out all the dreads, or undo them since they're easy to get out now, though I think Rose would kill me on that one! She's the one who's putting them all in. What if I decide I miss my virgin skin, or get older and despise the tattoo because it wasn't perfect or it somehow doesn't live up to my next necessary reinvention. Tattoos aren't as easy to walk away from as piercings, and I've got to admit, there are days I wish I never got my piercings, because I know they'll scar if I take them out. Of course, I know I'm just over-reacting. More often than not I adore my piercings and the look they give. I know I'm only hating the dreads right now because the project is on hold until tomorrow and I hate the way they look right now. I'm kind of wishing that they were done already. Still, I've grown quite a bit and all of that growth and change scares me, I won't lie!
Still, it's high time I reinvent myself, and I've been in the process for a while now. I'm almost afraid to see how I'm going to come out on the other side of this. It's going to be an interesting ride.
No comments:
Post a Comment