I couldn't have planned a better ending to this whole situation. My partner showed one of my confession blogs to a friend and it caused a whole lot of chaos. I was thinking I'd completely lost him as a friend. I'd given up.
It's been a couple weeks since that all went down. He and I had an argument about everything that happened. He withdrew. I got angry. I finally told him that I didn't want to push him. I was tired of chasing someone else. It was time someone chased me for once. I was done playing the game of push and pull to get information, know how other people were feeling, and everything else. I was done. I just wasn't going to try anymore.
Well, on Valentine's Day he got kicked out of his house over something stupid. It was drama. In truth, he's better off without them. He didn't want to ask us for help because he thought I might still be upset, even though on my end, I'd released all attachment to the outcome. He ended up coming here.
This whole thing could have been total awkwardness. It could have been a challenging situation. We could have both been massively uncomfortable with the tension that could easily build, both of us reacting in avoidance of what we both might have been feeling. I was fully expecting to have things get really uncomfortable really quickly.
Just this past Friday I took my friend to one of my dance shows. I wasn't sure what he'd think of it. I mean, it's an incredibly sexual art for a lot of people. While I don't find it terribly sexy or anything, I could easily see him feeling it was. On top of everything else it could have made things difficult. If he started to develop a physical lust for me and there was already some sense of awkwardness between us, it could have easily gotten bad. The whole thing could have easily turned into a nightmare situation.
Last night we had a nice long phone conversation. We talked about a whole lot of things. Most importantly, we talked about everything that was going on between us in the most vague and indirect of ways. With most people, they talk about feelings, emotions, and relationships in a pretty candid and open way. I like you. You like me. Let's see what comes of this. That's just not how either of us work. Was anything really said? Not so much. It was really a whole lot of nothing. However, we did come to two conclusions, he loves me, and neither of us is attached to an outcome. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. No pressure, no worries, no anything. It's actually a huge relief.
So this is us, two people who share a close and intimate bond, but really aren't all that intimate on the level everyone in this modern world would think. This is what poly is really about, sharing love, no matter what form it comes in. In this case, the form isn't necessarily romantic, though it could some day be. It's still incredibly intense and powerful.
I can't deny it anymore. I'm poly. I'll always be poly. Nothing will ever change that. I can't help who I am, how I'm wired, or what I'm meant to be. This is us, and in it, I've finally found me.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
The News...
My partner is, well, an idiot. He's found a great way to get me a lot of unwanted attention. He tells everyone that he and I are separating for a while and he needs to find somewhere to go on Facebook. Well, several men who have been interested in me and just waiting for their chance have decided to track me down and check in on me. Isn't that fantastic? Given that I have no interest in pursuing anything right now? I don't know. I just don't know what to think. I'm so incredibly frustrated. I mean, I'm poly, not a whore!
Unfortunately, I think for a few of these guys, that's what they're thinking. I know a few of them who are just looking to have a little fun, and I honestly don't think I'm up for a little fun, at least not like that. Just because I may soon be single doesn't mean I want every man around town.
With my partner, will he and I get back together after this separation? We'll have to see. He's got to earn me back at this point. All the mundane stuff, I don't know. I love him, but I shouldn't have to support him when I've got kids to worry about and bills to pay. It's just not fair to me. I feel horrible about saying that. Hell, a part of me doesn't even want to give him the chance. I just want to run away and start over with someone new from a point of trust, but we have a baby together, so it's simply not going to be that easy.
And now I'm in even more of a confusing situation. So, that friend that my partner kind of exposed my feelings about, he and I have been talking. Actually, he's been staying at my house. I kind of fell asleep on him last night. He and I talked for four hours tonight. It was just so natural! I didn't even realize four hours had gone by! I just felt like myself. I talked about things I hadn't talked about in years, things I wasn't comfortable talking about, things that made me laugh. I was actually a little surprised by his sense of honor, something that's all too rare these days. He's a good guy. I really do love him and I'm glad he's in my life.
So, in all of this I've been put off by people who want me. I've been defended by a man who actually found it in him to admit he loves me! And for anyone reading this, there is a big difference between loving someone and being in love. He's offered to try and avert a situation that could get quite messy if it's not handled right. I've got the whole thing with my partner, which I'm done crying over for now. I wish that one didn't have to hurt, but he's got to get his life together. I've also had my very good friend remind me that I've pretty much got my life together. It's just ironing out the details at this point. It's a wash of good and bad. Honestly, I just hope it all works out in the end...
Unfortunately, I think for a few of these guys, that's what they're thinking. I know a few of them who are just looking to have a little fun, and I honestly don't think I'm up for a little fun, at least not like that. Just because I may soon be single doesn't mean I want every man around town.
With my partner, will he and I get back together after this separation? We'll have to see. He's got to earn me back at this point. All the mundane stuff, I don't know. I love him, but I shouldn't have to support him when I've got kids to worry about and bills to pay. It's just not fair to me. I feel horrible about saying that. Hell, a part of me doesn't even want to give him the chance. I just want to run away and start over with someone new from a point of trust, but we have a baby together, so it's simply not going to be that easy.
And now I'm in even more of a confusing situation. So, that friend that my partner kind of exposed my feelings about, he and I have been talking. Actually, he's been staying at my house. I kind of fell asleep on him last night. He and I talked for four hours tonight. It was just so natural! I didn't even realize four hours had gone by! I just felt like myself. I talked about things I hadn't talked about in years, things I wasn't comfortable talking about, things that made me laugh. I was actually a little surprised by his sense of honor, something that's all too rare these days. He's a good guy. I really do love him and I'm glad he's in my life.
So, in all of this I've been put off by people who want me. I've been defended by a man who actually found it in him to admit he loves me! And for anyone reading this, there is a big difference between loving someone and being in love. He's offered to try and avert a situation that could get quite messy if it's not handled right. I've got the whole thing with my partner, which I'm done crying over for now. I wish that one didn't have to hurt, but he's got to get his life together. I've also had my very good friend remind me that I've pretty much got my life together. It's just ironing out the details at this point. It's a wash of good and bad. Honestly, I just hope it all works out in the end...
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Just Not Feeling It
That whole sex thing, it's like everything else in my life. Either I'm feeling it, or I'm not. I'm in the mood, or I'm not. I don't get how other people can just be sexual 100% of the time. I don't get how they can be into kink 100% of the time. Then again, I really don't need to, I guess.
The other night a friend of mine was telling me she thought she had no problems keeping a man as a result of her flexibility. Mind you, she does have problems keeping a man and it's got nothing to do with flexibility or anything else. She just makes the choice to go through them the way she goes through underwear.
Anyhow, she and some of her other comments got me thinking. First, I don't entirely see why people want to stay with me. Yes, there's my other qualities, but I go through these phases but I just don't feel like a sexual person. In truth, sex is typically the furthest thing from my mind. I've got other things that make me happy and sex just isn't a big deal to me. Yeah, kinky stuff can spice things up, but sometimes I'm just not in the mood. Sometimes I would just rather chill.
She also made some comments that were aimed to mock my self-esteem, like saying I weighed 160 when she met me. In truth, I weighed 130, and most of that was in milk weight! I was a nursing mom at a 34G cup size. I honestly think she just said that to make herself feel better about herself. She said I looked pretty chunky, but in truth, I looked pretty good. Most men have agreed that I looked a lot more attractive at that weight than I do now! I honestly think I agree with them! When I was a little squishier I felt a lot sexier too. Of course, I was in a position not to do anything with my sexuality, but I felt a lot sexier back then. I was curvier and looked a lot more like a real woman.
I think a lot of that sexuality thing has to do with how I feel about my body. Yeah, there was a time when I felt awesome when I was thin. I took one look at my body and would think, "wow, I'm beautiful, thin, fit, attractive!" Now I look at my body and think, "I'm too thin. I looked so much more attractive when I was a little more chubby. I wish I had a little more jelly to me. It would make me a more attractive dancer too." It just seems like I'm kind of out of the sexuality thing due to my own image. It doesn't help that so many men in my life prefer the curvier girls, and I really have no women in my life like that. When people found me beautiful for me, I had no problems with my sexuality. Now that I'm hearing that I'm not attractive to many of the people I surround myself with I just don't like myself anymore, not appearance-wise. I don't feel beautiful.
What gets me the most out of all of this is it's not a result of only finding myself attractive if I am in other people's eyes. It's more along the lines of attention. When I feel like I'm invisible, it kills my sex drive, and every other drive I've got. I just like feeling like people see me and care about me. When I feel like I'm noticed, I feel like I'm making a choice to be with the man I'm with. I don't feel like I'm settling. I don't even know if that makes sense. I just need someone to give me back that spark of potential for something new in my life again so I can run with it again, feel like myself...
The other night a friend of mine was telling me she thought she had no problems keeping a man as a result of her flexibility. Mind you, she does have problems keeping a man and it's got nothing to do with flexibility or anything else. She just makes the choice to go through them the way she goes through underwear.
Anyhow, she and some of her other comments got me thinking. First, I don't entirely see why people want to stay with me. Yes, there's my other qualities, but I go through these phases but I just don't feel like a sexual person. In truth, sex is typically the furthest thing from my mind. I've got other things that make me happy and sex just isn't a big deal to me. Yeah, kinky stuff can spice things up, but sometimes I'm just not in the mood. Sometimes I would just rather chill.
She also made some comments that were aimed to mock my self-esteem, like saying I weighed 160 when she met me. In truth, I weighed 130, and most of that was in milk weight! I was a nursing mom at a 34G cup size. I honestly think she just said that to make herself feel better about herself. She said I looked pretty chunky, but in truth, I looked pretty good. Most men have agreed that I looked a lot more attractive at that weight than I do now! I honestly think I agree with them! When I was a little squishier I felt a lot sexier too. Of course, I was in a position not to do anything with my sexuality, but I felt a lot sexier back then. I was curvier and looked a lot more like a real woman.
I think a lot of that sexuality thing has to do with how I feel about my body. Yeah, there was a time when I felt awesome when I was thin. I took one look at my body and would think, "wow, I'm beautiful, thin, fit, attractive!" Now I look at my body and think, "I'm too thin. I looked so much more attractive when I was a little more chubby. I wish I had a little more jelly to me. It would make me a more attractive dancer too." It just seems like I'm kind of out of the sexuality thing due to my own image. It doesn't help that so many men in my life prefer the curvier girls, and I really have no women in my life like that. When people found me beautiful for me, I had no problems with my sexuality. Now that I'm hearing that I'm not attractive to many of the people I surround myself with I just don't like myself anymore, not appearance-wise. I don't feel beautiful.
What gets me the most out of all of this is it's not a result of only finding myself attractive if I am in other people's eyes. It's more along the lines of attention. When I feel like I'm invisible, it kills my sex drive, and every other drive I've got. I just like feeling like people see me and care about me. When I feel like I'm noticed, I feel like I'm making a choice to be with the man I'm with. I don't feel like I'm settling. I don't even know if that makes sense. I just need someone to give me back that spark of potential for something new in my life again so I can run with it again, feel like myself...
Thursday, February 3, 2011
"I Just Don't Get It"
Most of my friends are pretty vanilla people. Very few of them ever know about this other side of me. Those that do often meet it with, "I just don't get it." They don't understand the draw to it. They don't understand why anyone would want to put them in the kind of situation to abuse or be abused, use or be used. I would love to explain it to them, but I really don't know how.
Maybe it's me that just doesn't get it. If I could "get it" then I could explain it to the people who wonder what the draw is. I wish I could really wrap my mind around it like that. It would make life so much easier.
My boyfriend really said it best when he confessed his own feelings about smoking. "I don't know why I like it!" he exclaimed in frustration, "I just do!" That's kind of how I feel on this whole kink thing. I don't know why I like it or how, I just do. It's that simple. In a way I'm almost inclined to say it's that pure.
I guess the real question in all of this is, "Does it really matter?" Why do I have to understand something when I enjoy it? Understanding it doesn't make me enjoy it any more or less. All it helps me do is find a "healthier" substitute for what I do enjoy, at least, healthier by someone else's definition.
Who defines healthy anyway? I mean, according to most therapists, my enjoyment of physical aggression with other people could be taken out on a heavy sack instead. Some people find rape fantasy unhealthy. I doubt my age play thing would be thought of as healthy either. I would be guided to turn to more socially acceptable outlets for my desires. Yet even with this push towards "healthy" and "acceptable" ways to deal with these desires, I know plenty of people who have safe, caring, loving relationships that include all sorts of things that don't fit those molds.
This kind of flows through to every aspect of life, religion, politics, job choices, etc. Many people truly can't explain why they like what they do. They can't explain how it works for them. Sure, they can give all the textbook answers, but that's not what we're really looking for here. We're looking for more than that.
I guess if I tried I could explain some of it. With age play, I enjoy it because it's fun and it feels safe. I enjoy physical aggression because it gets my heart racing. It's intense, powerful, and passionate. I find that kind of intensity, well, sexy! Yes, it can be a little scary and push my own comfort level, but that's part of what makes it so incredibly attractive to me. It feels a little dangerous, even though I'm completely safe. In many ways it's no different than the rush from skydiving or extreme sports. Because of that, it's not for everyone.
There's not really a point to any of what I'm saying. It's not going to be any great moment of clarity. There's not going to be some amazing revelation in all of this. I almost wish there was. There can't be any incredible explanation to clear it all up, something else I wish I could give. Honestly, I don't "get it" either. I just know it's a part of who I am. It's just one more layer to make me who I am.
Maybe it's me that just doesn't get it. If I could "get it" then I could explain it to the people who wonder what the draw is. I wish I could really wrap my mind around it like that. It would make life so much easier.
My boyfriend really said it best when he confessed his own feelings about smoking. "I don't know why I like it!" he exclaimed in frustration, "I just do!" That's kind of how I feel on this whole kink thing. I don't know why I like it or how, I just do. It's that simple. In a way I'm almost inclined to say it's that pure.
I guess the real question in all of this is, "Does it really matter?" Why do I have to understand something when I enjoy it? Understanding it doesn't make me enjoy it any more or less. All it helps me do is find a "healthier" substitute for what I do enjoy, at least, healthier by someone else's definition.
Who defines healthy anyway? I mean, according to most therapists, my enjoyment of physical aggression with other people could be taken out on a heavy sack instead. Some people find rape fantasy unhealthy. I doubt my age play thing would be thought of as healthy either. I would be guided to turn to more socially acceptable outlets for my desires. Yet even with this push towards "healthy" and "acceptable" ways to deal with these desires, I know plenty of people who have safe, caring, loving relationships that include all sorts of things that don't fit those molds.
This kind of flows through to every aspect of life, religion, politics, job choices, etc. Many people truly can't explain why they like what they do. They can't explain how it works for them. Sure, they can give all the textbook answers, but that's not what we're really looking for here. We're looking for more than that.
I guess if I tried I could explain some of it. With age play, I enjoy it because it's fun and it feels safe. I enjoy physical aggression because it gets my heart racing. It's intense, powerful, and passionate. I find that kind of intensity, well, sexy! Yes, it can be a little scary and push my own comfort level, but that's part of what makes it so incredibly attractive to me. It feels a little dangerous, even though I'm completely safe. In many ways it's no different than the rush from skydiving or extreme sports. Because of that, it's not for everyone.
There's not really a point to any of what I'm saying. It's not going to be any great moment of clarity. There's not going to be some amazing revelation in all of this. I almost wish there was. There can't be any incredible explanation to clear it all up, something else I wish I could give. Honestly, I don't "get it" either. I just know it's a part of who I am. It's just one more layer to make me who I am.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Sex on Television
Sometimes, especially when I've got a lot going on in my life, I just want to kick back and watch some television, whether it's something online or a DVD we own. I've taken to watching television shows while working because it gives me something in the background, and if what I'm doing isn't too intensive, it keeps me entertained so work doesn't become such a bore. I have very specific expectations for my entertainment. I want it to do something for me, amuse me, keep me occupied.
Some selections are really easy to watch. I'm particularly drawn to shows that have some comedic value and not too much drama, unless I'm going for a crime drama, like Law and Order or even Bones. I want the show to have an engaging story-line so I'm drawn to keep watching the show, even if it's not in depth and brilliant. Ugly Betty, 30 Rock, Psyche, these shows all appeal to me.
Unfortunately, you can only watch so much of them before you're up to date. Sometimes the selection goes on to shows recommended by friends, and that's when things seem to get a bit hairy. A lot of these shows are good, don't get me wrong, but some of them just aren't the kind of thing I'm looking for. Sadly, these shows that are so popular and air on stations like Showtime and HBO aren't something I can put on while the family is present, a feature the previously mentioned shows all share. I could watch them any time, and while I might get a few questions from my kids, for the most part it's good, clean entertainment that has enough adult content to keep it to my level.
What really annoys me about the shows like Weeds, the Tudors, and Rome is the massive quantity of sex. While I know there isn't sex in every episode, there comes a time when I feel like I'm watching a romance novel more than something to keep me entertained. I sadly find myself going, "Again? Really?"
Most recently we've been watching Weeds. It's a cute show. I love the story, for the most part. It's got a good share of comedy to it. Yes, it has it's dramatic moments, but any show that's all comedy, all the time just turns into stupid humor, much like SNL and a bunch of the spin off comedies they've made. South Park is another great example of this. Unfortunately, it's also a show about everyone having sex with everyone. I find myself watching it going, "Wow, I know sex sells but this is ridiculous."
Yes, I know what you're going to say. It's my prudish, anti-sex ways. I'm the crazy woman who doesn't even like porn, so I wouldn't get it. Mind you, it's not that I don't like porn so much as it doesn't do anything for me, but to each their own. I don't want to outlaw porn or anything like that. I just would like to have some good television to watch that's funny, fresh, and original without more sexual deviance than a soap opera! I mean, seriously, everyone's sleeping with everyone! If I wanted to see that, I'd turn on a porn.
Personally, I think I could quite enjoy a television series with that much sex, if it was the right kind of thing. I mean, seriously, let's see Showtime or HBO put out a television series on women who work in the sex industry! There's certainly enough options there! Strippers, escorts, professional Dommes, there's plenty of options! I think I would totally rock on that. Something like Desperate Housewives, then I'd kind of expect lots of sex. I mean, rich, lonely housewives are kind of America's image of women who are sex fiends. Then I could have total respect for the amount of sex in the television show.
I don't know. I think I'd really just rather have less sex on television and more substance! It's really making it to the point where sex is a mainstream part of American culture, but so much of it is still taboo. I mean, it's fine on television, but don't go bringing that drama to your own home. Sad thing is, what do you think support of such deviance is going to do...?
Some selections are really easy to watch. I'm particularly drawn to shows that have some comedic value and not too much drama, unless I'm going for a crime drama, like Law and Order or even Bones. I want the show to have an engaging story-line so I'm drawn to keep watching the show, even if it's not in depth and brilliant. Ugly Betty, 30 Rock, Psyche, these shows all appeal to me.
Unfortunately, you can only watch so much of them before you're up to date. Sometimes the selection goes on to shows recommended by friends, and that's when things seem to get a bit hairy. A lot of these shows are good, don't get me wrong, but some of them just aren't the kind of thing I'm looking for. Sadly, these shows that are so popular and air on stations like Showtime and HBO aren't something I can put on while the family is present, a feature the previously mentioned shows all share. I could watch them any time, and while I might get a few questions from my kids, for the most part it's good, clean entertainment that has enough adult content to keep it to my level.
What really annoys me about the shows like Weeds, the Tudors, and Rome is the massive quantity of sex. While I know there isn't sex in every episode, there comes a time when I feel like I'm watching a romance novel more than something to keep me entertained. I sadly find myself going, "Again? Really?"
Most recently we've been watching Weeds. It's a cute show. I love the story, for the most part. It's got a good share of comedy to it. Yes, it has it's dramatic moments, but any show that's all comedy, all the time just turns into stupid humor, much like SNL and a bunch of the spin off comedies they've made. South Park is another great example of this. Unfortunately, it's also a show about everyone having sex with everyone. I find myself watching it going, "Wow, I know sex sells but this is ridiculous."
Yes, I know what you're going to say. It's my prudish, anti-sex ways. I'm the crazy woman who doesn't even like porn, so I wouldn't get it. Mind you, it's not that I don't like porn so much as it doesn't do anything for me, but to each their own. I don't want to outlaw porn or anything like that. I just would like to have some good television to watch that's funny, fresh, and original without more sexual deviance than a soap opera! I mean, seriously, everyone's sleeping with everyone! If I wanted to see that, I'd turn on a porn.
Personally, I think I could quite enjoy a television series with that much sex, if it was the right kind of thing. I mean, seriously, let's see Showtime or HBO put out a television series on women who work in the sex industry! There's certainly enough options there! Strippers, escorts, professional Dommes, there's plenty of options! I think I would totally rock on that. Something like Desperate Housewives, then I'd kind of expect lots of sex. I mean, rich, lonely housewives are kind of America's image of women who are sex fiends. Then I could have total respect for the amount of sex in the television show.
I don't know. I think I'd really just rather have less sex on television and more substance! It's really making it to the point where sex is a mainstream part of American culture, but so much of it is still taboo. I mean, it's fine on television, but don't go bringing that drama to your own home. Sad thing is, what do you think support of such deviance is going to do...?
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