Yeah, No Doubt About It, I'm Poly...

I don't know what's wrong with me, or maybe it's something right with me.  I'm finding that just when I think I've found enough, guess what?  Nope, not enough!  I've finally found some sense of what I want in life and there the world goes, turning everything on it's head.  It's really driving me insane.  I mean, I think if everyone was poly, this totally wouldn't be a problem at all, but the world isn't that way.  It sucks...seriously...

Yup, I've got a boyfriend that probably doesn't deserve me in most people's eyes, but I'm not ready to be done with him yet.  Then there's that friend of mine that always runs away.  I really miss him right now.  I seriously wish there was a chance something could have happened between he and I, but I'm not even sure he'll be around at all anymore.  Then there's this other guy I know, who I just don't understand my attraction to.  I mean, I really do, but at the same time my brain keeps screaming, "No!  This can't be happening!  There's just something wrong with me!"  Then the neighbor confessed that he's got a thing for me.  He's adorable, but...I don't know.  Why can't women be more like that with me?  Seriously?  I'm just really kind of lost in this whole thing.  I just don't know what I want right now and I highly doubt anyone would be okay with everyone just letting things happen.

I just think this could all be solved if the whole world were poly.  I wouldn't have to worry about what is seen as right and wrong.  I wish that people would just say how they feel candidly and with no fear, because then I'd have no reason to worry.  I'd always know everything would be okay.  I mean, for me it's easier to get hurt if you just get it out of the way instead of just get it over with.  It's just irritating.

So, yeah, I'm kind of in a weird place right now.  Maybe some day I'll write about it, but right now I think I just need to limit the details until I'm ready to let go.  Who knows who reads this thing, you know?  I don't know.  We'll see what happens...

Feeling Invisible

So, it's been a while since I've updated this thing. Drama, you know? That's the problem with love. Love gets messy. Then after love gets messy, guess what? Life gets complicated. I guess that's just the way of it. It doesn't help that men certainly seem to know how to screw things up for themselves. That's kind of been my life.

Where have things gone with the men I've confessed myself to here? Well, one of them isn't talking to me and he's dating someone. My partner is an idiot more often than not. That's not being cruel, that's being honest. He screws things up for me far too often. The other man I loved has fallen away from me, which sucks but there's nothing I can do about it. I'm coping.

In all of this, I'm really missing my own nights out with my friend back home. Why can't I just go out to dinner with someone like I used to? Why can't I have that again? Seriously, I miss those days. I loved going out and just being me, no kids, no house to worry about, none of that. I love my life now, but I want a piece of that old life back.

All of this is making me realize how good I had it back home. Boston was awesome. Life was different there. I was so much freer. I was able to run away if I needed to. I can't count the times I took the subway, just because. Hell, there were a few times I was sure to check my appearance in the mirror before going out for a walk or a random bus ride that I had no reason to take. There were more than a few times I made sure I looked my best just to take the subway downtown and walk for an hour just because. What can I say? I liked the attention. It's nice to be the pretty girl that people notice. It's nice to be hit on. It's nice to feel wanted.

Around here I'm not a girl that grabs attention. I'm not going to go off saying I'm not pretty. Obviously enough people feel that I am, otherwise I wouldn't be hearing it so often. Hell, I know I'm prettier than some of the women that are known to make the rounds in this community. Of course, they make the rounds because they have a reputation that wins people over. I'm not saying I'd want a reputation like that. Honestly, in at least one case I know I definitely wouldn't want her reputation. However, it's nice to be noticed. It's nice to be seen. It's especially nice to be hit on! It makes you feel attractive, you know?

Funny thing is a lot of men and women around here seem to think I'm just not accessible. I have high standards and that makes me come off as elitist. I'm really particular about the people I'm attracted to. I like what I like, and at least I have the decency to be honest about that. In Boston it wasn't really a problem. Being a bit brainy and elitist worked in my favor. I attracted the kind of people I wanted in my life, which really worked for me, even if I was too afraid to let things go anywhere with them. I had found a way to fulfill that need. Here everything is so backwards. It seems like people are rewarded for high school drama and everything else is just ignored or looked down upon.

It's so frustrating that all I want is to relax, go out, and have a little fun, yet everyone has all these expectations and prerequisites. Why does it have to be like that? It's so incredibly frustrating! Ugh… I'm going to bed!