I have to admit, much of the appeal of the whole fetish and kink community was so far grounded in something other than reality that I have to wonder what I was really thinking. The fantasy illusion was so far from what the truth could ever be. I had some imagined ideal that simply wasn't anything like the reality of the community, but I suppose that's how things always work. Even after I got involved in the community, I still felt like something was missing. My reality somehow didn't match the fantasy, didn't meet my high standards.
In my little view, anyone who called themselves dominant would exude that kind of powerful presence. Much like the image of Dracula, he or she would be seductive and smooth. The helpless victim would be lured into the trap where wicked, wicked things happened. I'd never really seen it in the light that so many others have. There was no power struggle. There was no bowing down, no training, none of that. It was simply that the submissive couldn't help but submit. It was almost involuntary. It's like everything was supposed to just magically happen.
For whatever reason, that's why I never really pictured myself as a dominant type of person. I just couldn't exude that kind of control. If I wanted it, I couldn't just take it, as much as I may want to. When I was dominant, I could be vicious. I could be mean. It wasn't about seduction. It was about, well, something else entirely. It was about hurting someone, terrifying them, putting them in their place. As much as I wanted them to enjoy it, there's something about that illusion of fear, that illusion of danger. I don't know, it just wasn't all I had imagined. I somehow didn't fit into my own romantic view of it all very well.
A part of me wishes I could have that romanticized view as my reality. I have to admit, it would be nice to go to a party and have someone gladly get me a drink, stay by my side while I sat outside getting some air, in general, be there for my needs. It would be enjoyable to tell someone to do something and actually have them respond, without question. A part of it just seems like some element of respect. A part of it is that whole idea that if I were seductive and enticing enough, I should be able to have anything I want, and string my hapless victim along with me.
Unfortunately, I'm afraid that reality will never come to be. I love my boyfriend dearly, but I don't see him being my little pet in that way. He's far too independent and definitely not won over enough by my wiles. He's just not the right kind of personality for it, I guess. It's not what our relationship needs. Who knows, maybe some day I'll find what I'm looking for, but I doubt it. Until that day, should it ever come, I'll be living my life through dreams and fantasy...
Showing posts with label dominance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dominance. Show all posts
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
There's the Line, Buddy... You Just Crossed It...
Way back when I first got into the community I was far more naive than I am now. I was shy, timid, and completely embarrassed by everything. I would hide behind my boyfriend and cling to his arm because, in my mind, I hadn't come to accept that all of this was even wrong. I was too timid to accept that all of this was actually a part of me!
Of course, that timidity made my life difficult. I was labeled as a submissive, though I really wasn't. I was kind of forced into that role because of the way I acted. I didn't have the confidence to be more dominant in any capacity, so when put in the position of power, I froze. I was afraid. What if I did something wrong? What if the submissive before me hated me forever because of it? What if I just wasn't good enough? All of my life I've fought to hide my every weakness, but standing with flogger in hand, I was weak. I would always smile kindly and say, "No, that's quite alright. Maybe another time." I think that didn't help with my reputation any. Of course, I didn't much engage in being submissive in public either, but I'm sure it was implied by the way I would hang on my boyfriend's arm and trail around after him like a lost puppy. He would make some comment to me and I would turn red, smile a mortified little smile, and hide. My laughter was always nervous and I always felt as though if anyone so much as looked at me, I would simply die! It's no surprise everyone got that impression of me.
To this day people tend to get the wrong impression of me. I carry myself with a lot more confidence now, but not everyone sees through the facade. Actually most people see my confidence as exactly what it used to be, plastered on to cover my own weaknesses. I would back down from any kind of social challenge, step out of the way to let others more imposing than myself pass, and had a nasty habit of looking at the floor. I still have traces of those elements to me, so I must still carry a hint of that submissive nature. Of course, I'm more apt to stand up for myself now. For example, there's one man I know who will get the severe warning that if he grabs my ass one more time, I'll break every bone in his hand. He seems to forget his place with me...not I'm in any way superior, but that I'm not a woman who would ever be submissive to him.
It was about ten years ago that I had my first real, serious experience with exactly how submissive I come off. My boyfriend and I were out to dinner with a couple he was friends with. They were a 24/7 kind of thing where he was the Master, she was the slave. It was all well and good for them, I guess. My boyfriend had suggested that he sit next to this man's wive and I sit next to him. I didn't completely mind. I was sitting across from him, so I could at least look at someone familiar while we were there. We ordered our dinner and everything seemed to be going well. That's when everything changed.
I'm not sure how it happened, but the conversation turned to me. I timidly admitted to the lack of experience my boyfriend felt so comfortable with just blurting out to everyone. He said that I'm a switch, but he figured I'd evolve my stand on everything over time. The man beside me, the husband and Master, seemed to take this as an invitation to change my mind. He and my boyfriend got into a discussion of exactly what it takes to be a dominant, and to prove his point or something, he slipped his hand in my hair at the nape of my neck, and grabbed a whole handful. At first I just gave an annoyed little smile and told him to let go. He said he would...eventually... Of course, this pissed me off. He had in no way asked permission to touch me. I hate people pulling my hair. He didn't even have the decency to ask my boyfriend if he cared! Nope, just hand in hair and now refused to let go, giving a little side to side tug as though to prove that point. My hands shot back into my hair and I began to claw and pry at his fingers to get them out of my hair. He would let go if it meant I had to shred his fingers in the process.
As I fought he uttered words the spurred me to rage, "You might as well stop fighting, little girl. You'll just end up hurting yourself. I'm just trying to prove a point, that you are submissive, which means one can take control of you any time they choose." I positively growled, bristling at this, determined to fight my way free if it meant ripping out every last strand of hair! He and my boyfriend both laughed at my ferocity. This whole thing was a joke to them! Even the wife began to playfully poke fun, reminding me that it wasn't that bad, and if I'd just stop fighting him, he'd let go. I got comments about how silly it was to fight against him, but they didn't understand. I was trying to prove a point!
Dinner eventually in sight and as the waitress brought it over, my hair was released with a comment whispered to me about how I would have had an easier time had I simply not fought and submitted like a good little girl. Dejected, I picked at my food, stewing in frustration, hatred, and anger over the whole thing. I won't lie. I hated the man. His sudden attempt to put me in my place as met with a gut reaction to fight back so strong that I wanted to smash his face into the table in hopes of breaking that nose he looked down so well. I was furious, not just at him, but at my boyfriend, who understood that I didn't want anyone to lay their hands on me without my express permission. I'd felt betrayed!
The rest of the dinner went without a hitch, and we'd all had a decent time. I'd managed to get over my mood long enough to enjoy the conversation. The food was good. Everyone was pretty pleasant. A couple further attempts at domination over me were met with me being stubborn. I believe I even threatened to bite his hand off, but I'm not certain, but he'd already made his point. All I had left was to hope my meaning would hold some weight.
Once we got in the car I let my boyfriend have it. I told him I was upset, that I was mad at him because he didn't so much as defend me. He knew I didn't like other people touching me without my express permission. He said it was just playing around and no big deal. I saw it as a big deal, but apparently I was over-reacting. It all ended when he said he'd talk to his friend about it so it didn't happen again and I was a pretty intolerable bitch for the rest of the night.
Since that night, there's been a line. I no longer tolerate people crossing it. Lay your hands on me out of turn once, you get a warning glare. Twice wins you an actual vocal warning. Do it a third time, and you'll find out very quickly that I don't make any threat I don't intend to follow through on. You want to play those games with me, you'll find out the hard way, this bitch has bite...
Of course, that timidity made my life difficult. I was labeled as a submissive, though I really wasn't. I was kind of forced into that role because of the way I acted. I didn't have the confidence to be more dominant in any capacity, so when put in the position of power, I froze. I was afraid. What if I did something wrong? What if the submissive before me hated me forever because of it? What if I just wasn't good enough? All of my life I've fought to hide my every weakness, but standing with flogger in hand, I was weak. I would always smile kindly and say, "No, that's quite alright. Maybe another time." I think that didn't help with my reputation any. Of course, I didn't much engage in being submissive in public either, but I'm sure it was implied by the way I would hang on my boyfriend's arm and trail around after him like a lost puppy. He would make some comment to me and I would turn red, smile a mortified little smile, and hide. My laughter was always nervous and I always felt as though if anyone so much as looked at me, I would simply die! It's no surprise everyone got that impression of me.
To this day people tend to get the wrong impression of me. I carry myself with a lot more confidence now, but not everyone sees through the facade. Actually most people see my confidence as exactly what it used to be, plastered on to cover my own weaknesses. I would back down from any kind of social challenge, step out of the way to let others more imposing than myself pass, and had a nasty habit of looking at the floor. I still have traces of those elements to me, so I must still carry a hint of that submissive nature. Of course, I'm more apt to stand up for myself now. For example, there's one man I know who will get the severe warning that if he grabs my ass one more time, I'll break every bone in his hand. He seems to forget his place with me...not I'm in any way superior, but that I'm not a woman who would ever be submissive to him.
It was about ten years ago that I had my first real, serious experience with exactly how submissive I come off. My boyfriend and I were out to dinner with a couple he was friends with. They were a 24/7 kind of thing where he was the Master, she was the slave. It was all well and good for them, I guess. My boyfriend had suggested that he sit next to this man's wive and I sit next to him. I didn't completely mind. I was sitting across from him, so I could at least look at someone familiar while we were there. We ordered our dinner and everything seemed to be going well. That's when everything changed.
I'm not sure how it happened, but the conversation turned to me. I timidly admitted to the lack of experience my boyfriend felt so comfortable with just blurting out to everyone. He said that I'm a switch, but he figured I'd evolve my stand on everything over time. The man beside me, the husband and Master, seemed to take this as an invitation to change my mind. He and my boyfriend got into a discussion of exactly what it takes to be a dominant, and to prove his point or something, he slipped his hand in my hair at the nape of my neck, and grabbed a whole handful. At first I just gave an annoyed little smile and told him to let go. He said he would...eventually... Of course, this pissed me off. He had in no way asked permission to touch me. I hate people pulling my hair. He didn't even have the decency to ask my boyfriend if he cared! Nope, just hand in hair and now refused to let go, giving a little side to side tug as though to prove that point. My hands shot back into my hair and I began to claw and pry at his fingers to get them out of my hair. He would let go if it meant I had to shred his fingers in the process.
As I fought he uttered words the spurred me to rage, "You might as well stop fighting, little girl. You'll just end up hurting yourself. I'm just trying to prove a point, that you are submissive, which means one can take control of you any time they choose." I positively growled, bristling at this, determined to fight my way free if it meant ripping out every last strand of hair! He and my boyfriend both laughed at my ferocity. This whole thing was a joke to them! Even the wife began to playfully poke fun, reminding me that it wasn't that bad, and if I'd just stop fighting him, he'd let go. I got comments about how silly it was to fight against him, but they didn't understand. I was trying to prove a point!
Dinner eventually in sight and as the waitress brought it over, my hair was released with a comment whispered to me about how I would have had an easier time had I simply not fought and submitted like a good little girl. Dejected, I picked at my food, stewing in frustration, hatred, and anger over the whole thing. I won't lie. I hated the man. His sudden attempt to put me in my place as met with a gut reaction to fight back so strong that I wanted to smash his face into the table in hopes of breaking that nose he looked down so well. I was furious, not just at him, but at my boyfriend, who understood that I didn't want anyone to lay their hands on me without my express permission. I'd felt betrayed!
The rest of the dinner went without a hitch, and we'd all had a decent time. I'd managed to get over my mood long enough to enjoy the conversation. The food was good. Everyone was pretty pleasant. A couple further attempts at domination over me were met with me being stubborn. I believe I even threatened to bite his hand off, but I'm not certain, but he'd already made his point. All I had left was to hope my meaning would hold some weight.
Once we got in the car I let my boyfriend have it. I told him I was upset, that I was mad at him because he didn't so much as defend me. He knew I didn't like other people touching me without my express permission. He said it was just playing around and no big deal. I saw it as a big deal, but apparently I was over-reacting. It all ended when he said he'd talk to his friend about it so it didn't happen again and I was a pretty intolerable bitch for the rest of the night.
Since that night, there's been a line. I no longer tolerate people crossing it. Lay your hands on me out of turn once, you get a warning glare. Twice wins you an actual vocal warning. Do it a third time, and you'll find out very quickly that I don't make any threat I don't intend to follow through on. You want to play those games with me, you'll find out the hard way, this bitch has bite...
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