I've been thinking a lot about myself in the fetish and kink community. A part of me completely wants to withdraw. I will admit, as much as I love that side of my life, it's been lacking as of late. It's hard to be kinky and a mom. It's hard to find time for that part of my life without the children being able to wander in and question. I'm not sure I want that in my life with my current partner. Given that we're being sexually exclusive right now, that kind of limits things too. If that's the case, why bother?
Last night over Thanksgiving recovery, one of our guests brought up an interesting point when detailing his rules. Any play he engages in with anyone but his wife is non-sexual. I'll be honest on this one. The concept of non-sexual play isn't new to me. It's what I've wanted for a very long time now. However, it seems in the fetish community, at least in the community here, that's the only thing anyone wants. It's all about sex and driven by sex. While I'm okay with my own sexuality, I'm really not okay with having to have a sexual relationship with all of my play partners. As much as I love the idea of who I am as a top, it's not a sexual thing for me. I can't switch gears from being that kind of powerful, aggressive, and occasionally flat-out mean to then transition that energy into sex. For me, it's not about sex. It's got nothing to do with sex. When I'm in that zone, I'm a completely different person.
The same can be said about me as a submissive. Very rarely will I willingly allow myself to be submissive in a sexual manner. A lot of us in the fetish and kink community have backgrounds of abuse, violence, rape, and other situations where we're not in control. As a result, I know I'm not the only one who is very picky about who I will let top me. I like to know that I'll be with someone I can trust. More importantly, crossing the line into sexual play means there's yet another layer of trust to be added into the mix. The biggest influence on that is my own psychological problems. I don't like pushing those boundaries, so I choose to reserve that privilege to a very specific and select few. I know some women don't have problems with that, but I do. Therefore, sex isn't always going to be involved in my play as a submissive or bottom either.
Unfortunately, the fetish and kink community seems to have this incredible trend towards sexuality. In many play partner relationships that I've seen, sexual play is expected to be a part of it. It's different when it comes down to play parties and the like, but that's also public play. Public play has a lot of very different expectations. How can it not? The whole environment is different.
I suppose it's in part a cross-over from the fetish community to the poly community. Those who enjoy sharing several partners have no problems sharing sexual play partners as well. Still, just because that's a common choice does not make it everyone's choice. It's frustrating, but it really limits my options.
Showing posts with label limits. Show all posts
Showing posts with label limits. Show all posts
Friday, November 26, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
There's the Line, Buddy... You Just Crossed It...
Way back when I first got into the community I was far more naive than I am now. I was shy, timid, and completely embarrassed by everything. I would hide behind my boyfriend and cling to his arm because, in my mind, I hadn't come to accept that all of this was even wrong. I was too timid to accept that all of this was actually a part of me!
Of course, that timidity made my life difficult. I was labeled as a submissive, though I really wasn't. I was kind of forced into that role because of the way I acted. I didn't have the confidence to be more dominant in any capacity, so when put in the position of power, I froze. I was afraid. What if I did something wrong? What if the submissive before me hated me forever because of it? What if I just wasn't good enough? All of my life I've fought to hide my every weakness, but standing with flogger in hand, I was weak. I would always smile kindly and say, "No, that's quite alright. Maybe another time." I think that didn't help with my reputation any. Of course, I didn't much engage in being submissive in public either, but I'm sure it was implied by the way I would hang on my boyfriend's arm and trail around after him like a lost puppy. He would make some comment to me and I would turn red, smile a mortified little smile, and hide. My laughter was always nervous and I always felt as though if anyone so much as looked at me, I would simply die! It's no surprise everyone got that impression of me.
To this day people tend to get the wrong impression of me. I carry myself with a lot more confidence now, but not everyone sees through the facade. Actually most people see my confidence as exactly what it used to be, plastered on to cover my own weaknesses. I would back down from any kind of social challenge, step out of the way to let others more imposing than myself pass, and had a nasty habit of looking at the floor. I still have traces of those elements to me, so I must still carry a hint of that submissive nature. Of course, I'm more apt to stand up for myself now. For example, there's one man I know who will get the severe warning that if he grabs my ass one more time, I'll break every bone in his hand. He seems to forget his place with me...not I'm in any way superior, but that I'm not a woman who would ever be submissive to him.
It was about ten years ago that I had my first real, serious experience with exactly how submissive I come off. My boyfriend and I were out to dinner with a couple he was friends with. They were a 24/7 kind of thing where he was the Master, she was the slave. It was all well and good for them, I guess. My boyfriend had suggested that he sit next to this man's wive and I sit next to him. I didn't completely mind. I was sitting across from him, so I could at least look at someone familiar while we were there. We ordered our dinner and everything seemed to be going well. That's when everything changed.
I'm not sure how it happened, but the conversation turned to me. I timidly admitted to the lack of experience my boyfriend felt so comfortable with just blurting out to everyone. He said that I'm a switch, but he figured I'd evolve my stand on everything over time. The man beside me, the husband and Master, seemed to take this as an invitation to change my mind. He and my boyfriend got into a discussion of exactly what it takes to be a dominant, and to prove his point or something, he slipped his hand in my hair at the nape of my neck, and grabbed a whole handful. At first I just gave an annoyed little smile and told him to let go. He said he would...eventually... Of course, this pissed me off. He had in no way asked permission to touch me. I hate people pulling my hair. He didn't even have the decency to ask my boyfriend if he cared! Nope, just hand in hair and now refused to let go, giving a little side to side tug as though to prove that point. My hands shot back into my hair and I began to claw and pry at his fingers to get them out of my hair. He would let go if it meant I had to shred his fingers in the process.
As I fought he uttered words the spurred me to rage, "You might as well stop fighting, little girl. You'll just end up hurting yourself. I'm just trying to prove a point, that you are submissive, which means one can take control of you any time they choose." I positively growled, bristling at this, determined to fight my way free if it meant ripping out every last strand of hair! He and my boyfriend both laughed at my ferocity. This whole thing was a joke to them! Even the wife began to playfully poke fun, reminding me that it wasn't that bad, and if I'd just stop fighting him, he'd let go. I got comments about how silly it was to fight against him, but they didn't understand. I was trying to prove a point!
Dinner eventually in sight and as the waitress brought it over, my hair was released with a comment whispered to me about how I would have had an easier time had I simply not fought and submitted like a good little girl. Dejected, I picked at my food, stewing in frustration, hatred, and anger over the whole thing. I won't lie. I hated the man. His sudden attempt to put me in my place as met with a gut reaction to fight back so strong that I wanted to smash his face into the table in hopes of breaking that nose he looked down so well. I was furious, not just at him, but at my boyfriend, who understood that I didn't want anyone to lay their hands on me without my express permission. I'd felt betrayed!
The rest of the dinner went without a hitch, and we'd all had a decent time. I'd managed to get over my mood long enough to enjoy the conversation. The food was good. Everyone was pretty pleasant. A couple further attempts at domination over me were met with me being stubborn. I believe I even threatened to bite his hand off, but I'm not certain, but he'd already made his point. All I had left was to hope my meaning would hold some weight.
Once we got in the car I let my boyfriend have it. I told him I was upset, that I was mad at him because he didn't so much as defend me. He knew I didn't like other people touching me without my express permission. He said it was just playing around and no big deal. I saw it as a big deal, but apparently I was over-reacting. It all ended when he said he'd talk to his friend about it so it didn't happen again and I was a pretty intolerable bitch for the rest of the night.
Since that night, there's been a line. I no longer tolerate people crossing it. Lay your hands on me out of turn once, you get a warning glare. Twice wins you an actual vocal warning. Do it a third time, and you'll find out very quickly that I don't make any threat I don't intend to follow through on. You want to play those games with me, you'll find out the hard way, this bitch has bite...
Of course, that timidity made my life difficult. I was labeled as a submissive, though I really wasn't. I was kind of forced into that role because of the way I acted. I didn't have the confidence to be more dominant in any capacity, so when put in the position of power, I froze. I was afraid. What if I did something wrong? What if the submissive before me hated me forever because of it? What if I just wasn't good enough? All of my life I've fought to hide my every weakness, but standing with flogger in hand, I was weak. I would always smile kindly and say, "No, that's quite alright. Maybe another time." I think that didn't help with my reputation any. Of course, I didn't much engage in being submissive in public either, but I'm sure it was implied by the way I would hang on my boyfriend's arm and trail around after him like a lost puppy. He would make some comment to me and I would turn red, smile a mortified little smile, and hide. My laughter was always nervous and I always felt as though if anyone so much as looked at me, I would simply die! It's no surprise everyone got that impression of me.
To this day people tend to get the wrong impression of me. I carry myself with a lot more confidence now, but not everyone sees through the facade. Actually most people see my confidence as exactly what it used to be, plastered on to cover my own weaknesses. I would back down from any kind of social challenge, step out of the way to let others more imposing than myself pass, and had a nasty habit of looking at the floor. I still have traces of those elements to me, so I must still carry a hint of that submissive nature. Of course, I'm more apt to stand up for myself now. For example, there's one man I know who will get the severe warning that if he grabs my ass one more time, I'll break every bone in his hand. He seems to forget his place with me...not I'm in any way superior, but that I'm not a woman who would ever be submissive to him.
It was about ten years ago that I had my first real, serious experience with exactly how submissive I come off. My boyfriend and I were out to dinner with a couple he was friends with. They were a 24/7 kind of thing where he was the Master, she was the slave. It was all well and good for them, I guess. My boyfriend had suggested that he sit next to this man's wive and I sit next to him. I didn't completely mind. I was sitting across from him, so I could at least look at someone familiar while we were there. We ordered our dinner and everything seemed to be going well. That's when everything changed.
I'm not sure how it happened, but the conversation turned to me. I timidly admitted to the lack of experience my boyfriend felt so comfortable with just blurting out to everyone. He said that I'm a switch, but he figured I'd evolve my stand on everything over time. The man beside me, the husband and Master, seemed to take this as an invitation to change my mind. He and my boyfriend got into a discussion of exactly what it takes to be a dominant, and to prove his point or something, he slipped his hand in my hair at the nape of my neck, and grabbed a whole handful. At first I just gave an annoyed little smile and told him to let go. He said he would...eventually... Of course, this pissed me off. He had in no way asked permission to touch me. I hate people pulling my hair. He didn't even have the decency to ask my boyfriend if he cared! Nope, just hand in hair and now refused to let go, giving a little side to side tug as though to prove that point. My hands shot back into my hair and I began to claw and pry at his fingers to get them out of my hair. He would let go if it meant I had to shred his fingers in the process.
As I fought he uttered words the spurred me to rage, "You might as well stop fighting, little girl. You'll just end up hurting yourself. I'm just trying to prove a point, that you are submissive, which means one can take control of you any time they choose." I positively growled, bristling at this, determined to fight my way free if it meant ripping out every last strand of hair! He and my boyfriend both laughed at my ferocity. This whole thing was a joke to them! Even the wife began to playfully poke fun, reminding me that it wasn't that bad, and if I'd just stop fighting him, he'd let go. I got comments about how silly it was to fight against him, but they didn't understand. I was trying to prove a point!
Dinner eventually in sight and as the waitress brought it over, my hair was released with a comment whispered to me about how I would have had an easier time had I simply not fought and submitted like a good little girl. Dejected, I picked at my food, stewing in frustration, hatred, and anger over the whole thing. I won't lie. I hated the man. His sudden attempt to put me in my place as met with a gut reaction to fight back so strong that I wanted to smash his face into the table in hopes of breaking that nose he looked down so well. I was furious, not just at him, but at my boyfriend, who understood that I didn't want anyone to lay their hands on me without my express permission. I'd felt betrayed!
The rest of the dinner went without a hitch, and we'd all had a decent time. I'd managed to get over my mood long enough to enjoy the conversation. The food was good. Everyone was pretty pleasant. A couple further attempts at domination over me were met with me being stubborn. I believe I even threatened to bite his hand off, but I'm not certain, but he'd already made his point. All I had left was to hope my meaning would hold some weight.
Once we got in the car I let my boyfriend have it. I told him I was upset, that I was mad at him because he didn't so much as defend me. He knew I didn't like other people touching me without my express permission. He said it was just playing around and no big deal. I saw it as a big deal, but apparently I was over-reacting. It all ended when he said he'd talk to his friend about it so it didn't happen again and I was a pretty intolerable bitch for the rest of the night.
Since that night, there's been a line. I no longer tolerate people crossing it. Lay your hands on me out of turn once, you get a warning glare. Twice wins you an actual vocal warning. Do it a third time, and you'll find out very quickly that I don't make any threat I don't intend to follow through on. You want to play those games with me, you'll find out the hard way, this bitch has bite...
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