That whole sex thing, it's like everything else in my life. Either I'm feeling it, or I'm not. I'm in the mood, or I'm not. I don't get how other people can just be sexual 100% of the time. I don't get how they can be into kink 100% of the time. Then again, I really don't need to, I guess.
The other night a friend of mine was telling me she thought she had no problems keeping a man as a result of her flexibility. Mind you, she does have problems keeping a man and it's got nothing to do with flexibility or anything else. She just makes the choice to go through them the way she goes through underwear.
Anyhow, she and some of her other comments got me thinking. First, I don't entirely see why people want to stay with me. Yes, there's my other qualities, but I go through these phases but I just don't feel like a sexual person. In truth, sex is typically the furthest thing from my mind. I've got other things that make me happy and sex just isn't a big deal to me. Yeah, kinky stuff can spice things up, but sometimes I'm just not in the mood. Sometimes I would just rather chill.
She also made some comments that were aimed to mock my self-esteem, like saying I weighed 160 when she met me. In truth, I weighed 130, and most of that was in milk weight! I was a nursing mom at a 34G cup size. I honestly think she just said that to make herself feel better about herself. She said I looked pretty chunky, but in truth, I looked pretty good. Most men have agreed that I looked a lot more attractive at that weight than I do now! I honestly think I agree with them! When I was a little squishier I felt a lot sexier too. Of course, I was in a position not to do anything with my sexuality, but I felt a lot sexier back then. I was curvier and looked a lot more like a real woman.
I think a lot of that sexuality thing has to do with how I feel about my body. Yeah, there was a time when I felt awesome when I was thin. I took one look at my body and would think, "wow, I'm beautiful, thin, fit, attractive!" Now I look at my body and think, "I'm too thin. I looked so much more attractive when I was a little more chubby. I wish I had a little more jelly to me. It would make me a more attractive dancer too." It just seems like I'm kind of out of the sexuality thing due to my own image. It doesn't help that so many men in my life prefer the curvier girls, and I really have no women in my life like that. When people found me beautiful for me, I had no problems with my sexuality. Now that I'm hearing that I'm not attractive to many of the people I surround myself with I just don't like myself anymore, not appearance-wise. I don't feel beautiful.
What gets me the most out of all of this is it's not a result of only finding myself attractive if I am in other people's eyes. It's more along the lines of attention. When I feel like I'm invisible, it kills my sex drive, and every other drive I've got. I just like feeling like people see me and care about me. When I feel like I'm noticed, I feel like I'm making a choice to be with the man I'm with. I don't feel like I'm settling. I don't even know if that makes sense. I just need someone to give me back that spark of potential for something new in my life again so I can run with it again, feel like myself...
Are you familiar with the saying "No good tree bears bad fruit"? In other words, a good friend builds you up instead of tears you down. When you met her you were 130# instead of the weight she maintains you were (which who really cares how much you weigh?), a healthy friend would empower you saying how great you looked, especially seeing you were nursing.
ReplyDeleteBeing a healthy friend means we want to surround ourselves with like minded people. Your friend seems like perhaps she's bearing bad fruit.
i think we all want/need to be noticed in some fashion and you know sometimes for me, all it takes is one small effort on my part each day. But i am responsible for my own sexuality, it doesn't fall on others. i have to be certain that my stockings don't have a run or that my heels match my outfit. Maybe just one tiny thing each day, search out that special eyeshadow you haven't used for ages... etc. Each step makes you feel better about yourself.
Peace to you!!
MD's treasure
Mmmm, I have had my fair share of friends who felt that they needed to put me down in order to lift themselves up. Sometimes it seems like it's better to go without!
ReplyDeleteI feel you on the whole self-image thing. I'm on the skinny side too and it's a lot harder than people think to put on weight if you are on that end of the spectrum. The sexier I feel the more I am in to sex and things revolving around it. Though damn, it's hard to feel sexy when covered in the kids breakfast lol.