"I Just Don't Get It"

Most of my friends are pretty vanilla people.  Very few of them ever know about this other side of me.  Those that do often meet it with, "I just don't get it."  They don't understand the draw to it.  They don't understand why anyone would want to put them in the kind of situation to abuse or be abused, use or be used.  I would love to explain it to them, but I really don't know how.

Maybe it's me that just doesn't get it.  If I could "get it" then I could explain it to the people who wonder what the draw is.  I wish I could really wrap my mind around it like that.  It would make life so much easier.

My boyfriend really said it best when he confessed his own feelings about smoking.  "I don't know why I like it!" he exclaimed in frustration, "I just do!"  That's kind of how I feel on this whole kink thing.  I don't know why I like it or how, I just do.  It's that simple.  In a way I'm almost inclined to say it's that pure.

I guess the real question in all of this is, "Does it really matter?"  Why do I have to understand something when I enjoy it?  Understanding it doesn't make me enjoy it any more or less.  All it helps me do is find a "healthier" substitute for what I do enjoy, at least, healthier by someone else's definition.

Who defines healthy anyway?  I mean, according to most therapists, my enjoyment of physical aggression with other people could be taken out on a heavy sack instead.  Some people find rape fantasy unhealthy.  I doubt my age play thing would be thought of as healthy either.  I would be guided to turn to more socially acceptable outlets for my desires.  Yet even with this push towards "healthy" and "acceptable" ways to deal with these desires, I know plenty of people who have safe, caring, loving relationships that include all sorts of things that don't fit those molds.

This kind of flows through to every aspect of life, religion, politics, job choices, etc.  Many people truly can't explain why they like what they do.  They can't explain how it works for them.  Sure, they can give all the textbook answers, but that's not what we're really looking for here.  We're looking for more than that.

I guess if I tried I could explain some of it.  With age play, I enjoy it because it's fun and it feels safe.  I enjoy physical aggression because it gets my heart racing.  It's intense, powerful, and passionate.  I find that kind of intensity, well, sexy!  Yes, it can be a little scary and push my own comfort level, but that's part of what makes it so incredibly attractive to me.  It feels a little dangerous, even though I'm completely safe.  In many ways it's no different than the rush from skydiving or extreme sports.  Because of that, it's not for everyone.

There's not really a point to any of what I'm saying.  It's not going to be any great moment of clarity.  There's not going to be some amazing revelation in all of this.  I almost wish there was.  There can't be any incredible explanation to clear it all up, something else I wish I could give.  Honestly, I don't "get it" either.  I just know it's a part of who I am.  It's just one more layer to make me who I am.