This Abuse Victim's Take on Submission, or Why I'm not Submissive

There was a time when I had no choice in my life.  I wasn't given a say in how I spent my money, even when I was the one who earned it.  I wasn't given much choice in anything.  I was expected to do all of the work around the house, care for the child, and still hold a full time job.  I was put in a situation where I didn't even realize it, but I'd begun to ask permission to leave the house to go out with friends or to go to dance class.  When I did go out, I felt guilty all the time.  I felt like I shouldn't have gone and I would somehow regret the privileged later.  As much as I didn't want to admit it, I was trapped.  I couldn't think for myself.  I couldn't be myself!  I didn't even know who I was anymore!  It even got to the point where I wanted to drag him with me to dance classes and troupe rehearsals because I didn't know who I was without him around.  I was afraid to even try to be myself.  I was afraid of who I would become without him there to monitor me.

In time I managed to free myself from that grip.  While he was over-seas I started to take my own freedom.  I stopped sitting around the house waiting for him to get online so we could talk.  I started going out, having a life, and making friends.  My new-found freedom was liberating!  I could do anything, be anyone!  I wanted to find out who I was and what made me happy!  I felt like I was reborn!

All of that changed when he came home and I found myself falling into that role again.  I started to hate myself.  I started to hate myself for letting him control me.  I saw the patterns.  I acknowledged them all, but I just couldn't break free!  I tried to stand up to him, but I was always struck down with such force that I wouldn't try again for weeks.  He knew what buttons to push to keep me locked away as much as possible, and he knew just how to make me feel like I was the worst person in the world.  I looked back on the time I spent out with friends.  The only times I felt comfortable being without him I was either being put in a situation where I felt inferior or was somehow afraid I'd be pressured into doing more than I was willing (though I never was) or I'd drink.  I didn't care if all of my secrets came out while I was drinking, and I certainly wasn't an alcoholic, but with a little alcohol in my system I felt free to talk about what was really going on at home, and then to put it away.  I felt comfortable telling people how I really felt about them, and admitting why I never pursued it further than a friendship.  I never needed to get drunk (and only did once...and somehow ended up with a male model trying to get me to take my top off...interesting), but it helped ease the friction a bit with the world around me.  It was an unhealthy coping mechanism, something to help me get by.

Looking back, I've got an inherent fear of being submissive.  I was put into a position where I was forced into submission and I felt completely and utterly trapped!  I have to admit, when I hear from the man, I still have this desire to cave in and give him everything he wants.  It's everything I can do not to let him have his way and walk all over me.  For a while my partner would get furious with me because I was always making excuses for this ex, no matter how horribly he treated me and my family.  I was always trying to cover for him.  I was submissive to a fault!  It's not surprising that I'm filled with fear any time submission comes into play.  I'm terrified of being put into that situation again!

Unfortunately, I can't swing right into dominance either.  I'm just as afraid of being dominant.  I'm afraid I'm going to screw something up, or that my play partner won't be pleased.  I've had so much pressure put on doing everything right, doing as I'm told, that I've got no confidence in my own abilities.  I'm broken to the point where I just don't have the ability to believe in myself.  I'm still shocked when people say I'm pretty.  I'm still inclined to run and hide any time anyone hints at a sexual interest in me.  That comes with it's own baggage.  However, confidence is something that can always be built in time.

For me, submission has become a form of weakness.  I can't hold to my own boundaries, which is a good way to get hurt.  I tend to allow more than I should for fear of being coerced into it later.  I agree to things I don't want to do because I've become genuinely afraid of being pushed into it anyway.  When I'm being submissive, I've learned that I have no right to think for myself in any way, shape, or form.  I need to ask permission to do anything.  I need to get approval to so much as take a shower, and even then, I'm afraid to do it alone.  There's the subconscious fear that I'm going to do something wrong and that my partner will be upset with me.  I feel I have to call to check in whenever I'm on my way home from wherever I go.  I feel the need to have my partner with me at all times.  It may sound stupid, but I'm so afraid I'll do something that will have him blow up at me later, even though I know he's nothing like my ex.  If he's there, I can get approval or denial of my choices immediately and can alter them accordingly.  It's not even about relinquishing control.  Instead it's about a dread fear of doing the wrong thing and being punished for it later, maybe not in the way of pain like so much of the fetish community, but through having bad moods taken out on me, being neglected, ignored, or being made to feel that someone else's unhappiness was completely my fault, even though I've done nothing wrong.  It comes from being made to feel guilty every time I make a choice because I didn't ask what the right answer was.  Being submissive brings back a lot of painful, negative emotions and experiences.  It's simply not something I enjoy!

That's not to say submission is in any way wrong.  I honestly don't think I've met a submissive yet that feels the way I do about it, trapped and broken when they are submissive.  I've never met one that hates themselves so much for being submissive as I do.  There are some wonderful people in this world that also happen to be submissive.  Many of them are in perfectly happy, healthy relationships.  However, I've got to be realistic with myself.  Submission isn't a healthy choice for me.

Submission is a dangerous game for me.  It can lead to total loss of identity.  It can push me into a direction where I feel like I can't face myself in the mirror.  It puts me back in that place where I can't stand my own body, my hair, my face.  I don't want to look at myself, and I definitely don't want anyone else looking at me.  It makes me feel crazy, like I belong in some nut-house.  It leads down the road to alcohol again.  It leads to the lonely path of exiling my friends unless whoever I'm with forces me to go out with them.  It leads me to guilty feelings over every small thing, even just of thoughts and fantasies in my own head.

I know I've been asked time and time again why I'm not a submissive, and why I call myself a switch if I'm not submissive.  The truth is in the right hands, I could really use my time as a submissive to heal from those negative experiences from the past.  I have to embrace that if I ever want to get beyond it.  I have to allow myself to get over those difficult feelings so I don't end up in a bad situation where I really could get hurt because I'm too afraid to stand up for myself.  For someone I can trust to that degree, I think it's worth it.  I can really enjoy the experience.  Unfortunately, those people I feel safe with are very few and far between.  Therefore, I leave myself open to the possibility, but the chances of it happening...well...only time can tell...