Identifying Myself in the Kinky World

The kink world, the fetish scene, it comes with so many labels.  Labels essentially define everything about who we are, what we do, what we enjoy.  Master and slave, dominant and submissive, kinkster and fetishist, these terms all give people some understanding of who we are in the community, and who we choose to be.  Of course, sometimes these definitions aren't as clean-cut as we pretend them to be.

When I first got involved with the fetish community, I considered myself a switch, though I was easily influenced to believe I was more submissive.  I was too timid and shy.  I didn't know how to be dominant if I wanted to be.  In truth, I was afraid to take control.  What if I did something wrong?  What if I wasn't everything my partner was hoping?  Fear of failure held me back and suffocated me, so at the tender age of 18, I let myself be forced into the mold of a submissive.

For years I thought I enjoyed being submissive more, but still used the label "switch".  I wasn't comfortable with the idea of calling myself a submissive.  Something about it struck me as wrong.  It didn't help that everyone who met me mistook my shy and timid nature as submissiveness.  No one seemed to think it was just a lack of experience and only being 18 at the time.  I guess women are supposed to burst forth, knowing everything there is to know about dominance if they were at all cut out for the role.  I'm sure a healthy portion of that was wishful thinking, as my experience has lead me to believe that more men are dominant and more women tend towards submissiveness.

I allowed myself to be shoved into that submissive role to the point where I started to think I'd "grown up" and moved on from the kink community.  I didn't want that as a part of my life anymore because it just wasn't for me.  I really don't like pain.  I may be a sensation junkie, but that's pretty vanilla stuff.  I've done some bondage stuff, but in reality, I didn't find it all that appealing.  Being bound doesn't do anything for me.  I was starting to think something was wrong with me, or maybe that I was just trying too hard to fit in.

Over the years people started to point out that I was a very dominant type of personality.  I'd lost a lot of my sweet and naive nature and replaced it with confidence.  While I still don't always wear the mask of confidence, I've noticed I'm a lot more dominant than I gave myself credit for.  At that, I'm not really submissive at all!  Yes, I have my moments where being an art canvas for wax or rope is kind of fun, but you can do that without being all-out submissive.  I'm starting to once again wonder if I should really be calling myself a switch at all.

I'm finding I hate these labels.  I'm hating the idea that I have to put myself into a mold because I really don't fit.  Switch implies moments of submissiveness, but there's really nothing submissive about me.  I play the part quite well, but it's just an elaborate game of acting.  I still don't have the confidence to be dominant in many situations.  I guess I'm just feeling kind of lost.  I thought I knew exactly where I stood, but then the floor dropped out from under me.

This should be an easy question with some pretty solid answers, especially at my age, but I'm finding myself at a loss.  I really don't know where I stand anymore.  So how do I identify myself in the kink/fetish community?  I think I'm going to keep the label "switch" right now, because it's the only way to describe how I can't make up my mind.